Anorak News | Walking Back To Happiness

Walking Back To Happiness

by | 30th, April 2004

‘AND so it begins. Our drive to get you to leave the country ahead of tomorrow’s enlargement of the European Union has won some celebrity help.

‘Last one to the Chunnel’s a lemon’

The Star has shots of two Coronation actresses wearing tracksuits on which the words “BRITAIN ON THE MOVE” have been printed.

Nikki Sanderson and Samia Ghadie plan to walk all the way to Minsk, where they will star in a new soap about a family of Scousers who hanker for the return of communism.

And even the Government has responded to our rallying call to get up and move, to relocate Britain.

The Sun hears from Sir Liam Donaldson, the Government’s Chief Medical Officer, who says: “People need to say active and starve off obesity and killer diseases.”

Two pages on, we hear that the British are all unfit and should exercise at least “FIVE” times a week for around half an hour a time for adults and an hour for children.

“We need to combat the couch potato culture and build moderate everyday physical activity into our lives,” says the doctor. “People shouldn’t be daunted, it can be built up in chunks.”

Reading between the lines, the message clearly says: “GET UP AND GET OUT – NOW!”

But how do you move the unmovable?

Helpfully for the immobile many, the Sun issues its five-point plan for getting fit.

This includes a walk to the paper shop to buy a certain rag, a cold, bone-density boosting shower and stretching for top shelf foods in the supermarket…and even top-shelf magazines in the sweet shop.

Try to ensure that you are always five minutes late and so have to run for the bus – although, since it’s routinely half-an-hour late, you can exercise your discretion and your arse on this one.

And lastly, remember that boozing can pile on the pounds. “So choose a bar that plays cheesy tunes. Strut your funky stuff to the Birdy Song.”

You will then, most likely, become embroiled in a calorie-busting fight with a gang of lads from Oldham.

Indeed, the Mirror says that just about the only physical activity the British enjoy is raising a glass to our faces before shoving it into the mush of anyone within reaching distance.

But even though the levels of serous violent crime have risen by 13% in a year, taking the number of attacks on the person to above a million for the first time ever, it is not enough.

Much better to walk away from a fight, or even run. And remember, don’t stop until your reach the glorious east, or New Britannia as it will soon be known.’

Posted: 30th, April 2004 | In: Tabloids Comment | TrackBack | Permalink