Anorak News | Little Sumo

Little Sumo

by | 30th, April 2004

‘SUMO wrestling came to the BBC this week as Janine and Laura finally settled their differences with a good, old-fashioned East End cat fight.

‘I want that lard sandwich!’

Janine has made it her mission to destroy Laura’s life, as pay-back for when Laura beat her up for sleeping with Ian when she was a prostitute. Janine discovered that Alfie had hired Laura as a cleaner and promptly reported her to the benefits agency.

Then, when Laura got a job at the Minute Mart, she told the manager that Laura was unstable and had a history of violence. The manager promptly fired her – he’d already had his doubts about the amount of stock Laura would eat.

“I’m lovin’ this,” Janine taunted Laura in The Vic, “and this is only the beginning.” Laura managed to get her own back, however, when she ‘let slip’ to a wealthy customer Janine was chatting up at the car lot that Janine used to be a prostitute called The Blond Bombshell (does Trading Standards know?).

The customer decided to pull out (surely not the first time that’s happened to her) and Janine went seeking Laura. “You bitch!” she screamed as she set on her, pulling out chunks of her ginger hair.

Unless you’ve been in a coma for the past month, you can’t fail to know that Laura is shortly to shuffle off this mortal coil – or rather get shoved off, when Janine pushes her and she falls down some stairs.

The bad news, however, is that Janine is set to go to prison for her murder – which means the one good character left in EastEnders will be no more and we’ll be left with the excitement of such story lines as…will the Ferrerias make their monthly mortgage payments?

In a desperate bid to introduce another strong female character, Dirty Den’s secret wife has just turned up.

The Watts family were celebrating the re-opening of Angie’s Den after the fire now that they’re all one big happy family again, with Sharon and Dennis creepily referring to each other as brother and sister days after sleeping together.

“Aren’t you going to introduce your wife to your family?” asked a tall, curly haired woman who walked into the pub, leaving everyone more than a little taken aback.

God knows why – here’s a man who faked his own death for 14 years. Why would he bother to tell his family a little thing like the fact he’s got a wife?’

Posted: 30th, April 2004 | In: Tabloids Comment | TrackBack | Permalink