The Golden Fleece

‘IT seems that all those years of handling and eating meat have finally caught up with Fred Elliott and he’s developed Mad Cow Disease. What other explanation can there be for a supposedly successful businessman agreeing to hand over six thousand pounds to a woman he met two days ago?

Thai-ing the knot

‘Friend’ Dennis Stokes had given Fred four pictures of Thai women who he said had answered his personal ad on the Internet. “What happens if ‘e picks one of the others?” asked Stacey, the market stallholder who’s Dennis’ partner in crime. “He’d better not!” replied Dennis. “Two of them are dead.”

However Dennis successfully appealed to Fred’s vanity and he did indeed pick the youngest of the four, “Orchid”.

“If yer give me a grand, I’ll wire it over to her and she’ll be with you tomorrow,” Dennis told Fred. “Tommorrah? By gum them planes are fast these days,” said Fred, whose knowledge of geography is about as developed as his 18-month-old grandson Joshua’s.

Dennis drove Stacey/Orchid to Manchester Airport. “That’s ‘im over there,” he hissed at her. “Blimey! I’m really going to earn the money this time,” she muttered, before putting on her best fake grin and tottering off on her heels to meet him.

Fred was delighted with the world’s most expensive take-away, and promptly took her into The Rovers to show her off. Son Ashley was less than impressed though, as were Betty and Shelly.

“There’s no fool like an old fool,” said Betty, pursing her lips and crossed her arms over her enormous bosom. She’d have a lot more to say if she discovered that Fred had just handed Orchid a cheque for £5,000 to help her sick father.

“I feel like I’ve known yer all me life,” Fred told her over an expensive dinner. If she’s fleeced him of six grand in two days, God knows how much she’d have made over a lifetime.

As luck/ soap law would have it, Shelly and Charlie happened to be in the same restaurant. Charlie was attempting to woo Shelly after their first date got off to a bad start on account of the fact that he didn’t actually turn up.

To be fair to Charlie, he had called to tell her he couldn’t make it, but unfortunately he’d left a message with Bev, who’s determined to make sure Charlie doesn’t keep it in the family by sleeping with both mother and daughter.

It looks like Bev’s plan has failed, however, as Charlie and Shelly left the restaurant hand-in-hand, heading back to his place. Being a builder, no doubt Charlie has built himself a self-notching bedpost.

Candice’s boyfriend Tim is another gentleman whose success with the ladies has landed him in trouble. Poor Candice doesn’t have much luck with men, first Jason choose Gail over her, then Tim the shampoo salesmen, turns out to be married.

“Where’s the slut who’s been sleeping with my husband?” screamed an irate woman who marched into Audrey’s salon. “It’s me,” admitted Candice.

At least she knows her place.’

Posted: 20th, May 2004 | In: Strange But True Comment | TrackBack | Permalink