Posh Off!

‘STOP all the clocks; cut off the mobile phone/ Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy Boneo/ Silence the pianos and try to explain/ Her Louis Vuittons are packed, she’s heading to Spain.

‘Day-vid, what’s the Spanish for **** ****?’

The news that we have all secretly dreaded for so long is carried under a banner headline on the front page of the Sun – England’s favourite daughter is quitting these shores.

The paper says Victoria Beckham has surrendered to husband David and is planning to move to Madrid, quashing speculation that the England captain was planning a quick return to London.

“The time is now right for the children to move to Madrid and we are all looking forward to it enormously,” said the 30-year-old mum-of-two.

Brooklyn and Romeo will enrol in Spanish classes, where they will learn the Spanish for such phrases as “******* your ****, feeling you **** deep down my ******” and “Love the sound of that cotton just *** *** *** ***** getting more *** and your *** all nice *** ***”.

And Posh will be able to keep a close eye on her errant husband and stop him from straying.

Not everyone is as sorry as we are to see what remains of the back of Victoria.

The Star unkindly headlines its coverage, “Posh Off!”, adding “Victoria and kids finally join David in Spain for good (riddance)”.

And others seem just that little bit too supportive of her decision.

The Sun’s Victoria Newton, for instance, wonders why it has taken so long.

“I can’t help thinking if Victoria had upped sticks and moved lock, stock to Madrid a year ago,” she says, “she wouldn’t have endured half the heartache and humiliation she has.”

And we wouldn’t have endured half the earache and titillation we have.

The Mirror’s woman’s editor, Clare Raymond, agrees.

“If you’re married to one of the world’s richest, sexiest, most famous and best looking men,” it’s not a bad idea to keep an eye on him. And living in the same country is a start.

“If she has any sense, she won’t let him out of her sight again…nor his text messages, phone bills and credit card receipts.

“There will always be beautiful, predatory and sexually adventurous young women waiting to take their chance with an international hero. And I should know, I’m one.”

Predatory maybe; sexually adventurous perhaps; but beautiful? Time for a new photo by-line, we think, Clare.’

Posted: 21st, May 2004 | In: Tabloids Comment | TrackBack | Permalink