Anorak News | Losing The Plot

Losing The Plot

by | 25th, May 2004

‘EASTENDERS sunk to an all-time low this week, recording the lowest ever viewing figures in its 14-year history.

‘It’s disgusting! No-one should have to watch this’

Producers blame the hour-long Emmerdale special for the appalling ratings – but the fact a soap about sheep can beat EastEnders ought set the alarm bells ringing.

Walford’s highlights this week include Sonia shopping for a wedding dress, Dennis teaching Zoe to play darts and the Ferreiras shockingly deciding to start squatting in their own house. And who says great drama is dead?

The only reason to watch EastEnders at the moment is to see how many references to Leslie Grantham’s Internet exploits scriptwriters can get in before his two-month suspension kicks in.

“You’re a naughty girl, aren’t ya?” Dirty Den breathed down his mobile phone to a mystery woman. “I can’t wait to see ya again.” Which will probably be the minute he locks himself in his dressing room and boots up his laptop.

The moment EastEnders really lost it, however, was when producers decided to appoint Den the Square’s relationship and childcare councillor.

Pat had discovered baby Bobby’s birth certificate and was shocked to see that Laura had named Ian as the father and not Garry. Unsure about what she should do, she approached Den for advice.

“He’s got a right to know,” Den told her. “Ian may be many things, but he’s a good dad.” Den decided to take matters into his own hands (which isn’t all that he’s been taking into his own hands recently) and told Ian himself.

“But I’ve had the snip?!” a confused Ian replied. “These finks are never that cut and dried, “Den replied. Well sometimes cut – but not necessarily dried.

Ian discovered from his doctor that he could technically have fathered a child before the vasectomy became effective. Garry is demanding that Ian have a DNA test before he hands the child over. Something you would have thought he’d insisted on the minute Bobby was born, but then it usually takes Garry a good six months to process any idea.

Someone else who’s in for a nasty shock soon is Alfie. Kat finally gave in to Andy’s blackmailing and agreed to sleep with him in return for Andy wiping out Alfie’s debt. “Just this once – then the slate’s clean,” he promised her.

In typical soap style, however, moments after they’d come back downstairs, Kat heard Alfie arrive with an envelope full of money. “Well, I didn’t see that one coming,” admitted Andy.

Unknown to Kat, Andy has videoed their secret liaison and is soon to show the tape of a naked, writhing Kat to her husband, in revenge for his marrying her.

Poor Alfie – that’s a real video nasty.’

Posted: 25th, May 2004 | In: Tabloids Comment | TrackBack | Permalink