Anorak News | Cockneys Unsure

Cockneys Unsure

by | 14th, June 2004

‘LONDON has changed greatly in recent years.

‘Anytime you’re London way, any evening any day…’

Doing the Lambeth Walk these days is to risk life and limb dodging trucks, 4x4s and buses.

Cockney sparrows have been replaced by filthy pigeons (flyingus ratae).

If a nightingale did sing in Berkeley Square, the residents would complain about the noise and the yellow peril would be taken to the sprawling suburbs and shot.

And the best bit is that Londoners pay through the nose for the experience.

The Times has seen the annual survey carried out by Mercer, the human resources consulting firm, and learnt that London is now the second most expensive city to live in the entire world.

Taking into account such items as food, housing, entertainment, the price of a CD and the cost of renting an unfurnished two-bed apartment, researchers found that only Tokyo is dearer than London.

But then Tokyo doesn’t have Ken Livingstone as its political leader. Londoners can rest assured that with Ken at the helm for a second term in office, their city will soon be No. 1.

But it could have been different – the Independent reports that more than half a million voting forms in the recent election for London mayor were filled out wrongly.

Voters were asked to mark their first and second choice for mayor down on the slip – but, what with the pollution and the lack of available oxygen necessary for rational thought, many misunderstood the directions.

The paper tells us that having been asked to place a cross in one column for first choice and another in a separate column to indicate the second, over 500,000 Londoners failed to comprehend.

The paper says that common mistakes included putting both selections in one column, not putting anything in the second column, putting a cross through two boxes instead of through one at a time…

…voting for the BNP, believing Spurs will rise again, eating kebabs from vans, not travelling everywhere by mini cab, riding the Tube without two days’ worth of provisions strapped to a belt, talking to anyone in the street, trying to reason with a bus driver, parking a car, standing still (see pigeons)…’

Posted: 14th, June 2004 | In: Broadsheets Comment | TrackBack | Permalink