Anorak News | Perfect Happiness

Perfect Happiness

by | 14th, June 2004

‘IT is better to be ugly and surrounded by beautiful people than to be beautiful and surrounded by ugly people.

A fanny and her batter

No, not the words of Deepak Chopra, L Ron Hubbard or even Madonna’s personal Kabbalah trainer, but a quote from Anorak’s seminal self-help book, Always Get Off On The 68th Floor.

The reason, of course, as the book explains in laborious detail (illustrated with dozens of pictures of Vanessa Feltz in a bikini), is that it ensures you the best view of the group.

It is the very same principle that dictates that you should always buy the ugliest house on the street so you don’t have to look at it.

And it is an area we explore in even greater depth (this time with photographs of Vanessa Feltz as naked as the day she was born, albeit with slightly more skin) in our brilliant follow-up work, Happiness Is A Zero-Sum Game.

Not only should you buy the ugliest house on the street, we argue, but you should then spend a fortune on “improvements” to make the house even more hideous.

Remember, everything you do to detract from your neighbours’ happiness is like a deposit in the Happy Bank for you.

This is, we’re sure, old hat for Anorak devotees who have long lived their lives in this way. We explain solely for the benefit of new readers.

And by way of example we offer up Kerry McPudding, the T-shirt-stretching wife of former Westlife crooner Bryan McPadding, and OK! star columnist.

Kerry is already on the fourth step of our seven-step guide to perfect happiness.

Hear her on the subject of Jodie Marsh…

“There was a survey about the most irritating celebrities and Jodie Marsh came out on top,” she says. “She doesn’t irritate me. You know what, there’s nobody that I find irritating really.”

Did you hear that? There’s nobody in the whole world that Kerry finds irritating – she can listen to Chris Moyles on the radio without her hackles rising; her pulse rate barely alters when she sees a picture of Steve Penk; and she will happily sit down in the evening to the strains of a Westlife CD.

If that is not as close to irritation nirvana as is humanly possible, then your money back.

And how did Kerry achieve this exalted state? She learnt to be more irritating than any of them – she became the human equivalent of scratching your fingernails down a blackboard.

Remember – happiness is a zero-sum game…’

Posted: 14th, June 2004 | In: Reviews Comment | TrackBack | Permalink