Anorak News | The Stepford Wives

The Stepford Wives

by | 15th, June 2004

‘ENGLAND coach Sven Goran Eriksson’s tactics worked like a charm against the French for 90 minutes on Sunday, only to be undone by two injury-time mistakes.

And you are?

It is to be hoped that the Swede is just as good a tactician off the pitch after he decided that the best way for his squad to get their collective pecker up was to, well, get their collective pecker up.

He relaxed the bonking ban for the night after the game, allowing wives and girlfriends to stay with the players and give them a bit of a boost.

And the Sun is sure the tactic is a masterstroke, quoting an insider who insists that “morale is now higher than ever”.

“I’m sure the girls will have done all they can to lift the lads’ spirits,” he says.

All well and good – but, after studying pictures of the girls in the crowd watching the game against France, Anorak has spotted a potential problem.

How do the players tell which girlfriend belongs to which player?

Obviously, for some players it’s easy – David Beckham need only look out for a pouting toothpick standing away from the rest of the group and Sol Campbell just heads for the one who looks like everyone else’s mother.

But what of the rest? How does Wayne Rooney tell fiancée Colleen McLoughlin from Frank Lampard’s Elen Rives? How does Stevie Gerrard make sure he ends up in bed with Alex Curran instead of Michael Owen’s partner Louise Bonsall?

Not only do the girls all look identical, they have exactly the same hairstyles, designer outfits and bling bling jewellery.

The potential for confusion is horrendous, but – short of making the girls wear name tags or training them to answer to simple commands – how can it be avoided?

The answer, we see in the Star, is so simple that it’s brilliant – each of the players has bought his other half a slightly different watch.

As you would expect, Victoria Beckham leads the way with a £75,000 diamond Frank Muller number.

Elen Rives has a £10,000 yellow Bulgari watch strapped to her wrist, Alex Curran wears a £10,000 Jacob and Co number, and Colleen McLoughlin sports a £6,000 timepiece, also from Jacob and Co.

All the girls need to do now is learn how to use them.’

Posted: 15th, June 2004 | In: Tabloids Comment | TrackBack | Permalink