Anorak News | VIP Heaven

VIP Heaven

by | 17th, June 2004

‘ALL of us in Anorak Towers are wearing a piece of red string tied around our wrist these days as part of our new-found devotion to the Kabbalah religion.

Kabbalists do it with tongues

We figured that when we die and go to Heaven we want to be surrounded by bona-fide celebrities – Madonna and Guy, Demi and Ashton, Britney and, well, if she’s still single…

The problem about boring old Christian heaven is that not only do you have to listen to Cliff Richard all day and all night but you have to sing along as well.

It’s really just a giant Butlins behind the pearly gates with God as the chief redcoat.

We admit that we flirted briefly with Scientology, but it was just too whacked out even for us and, besides, we were worried we might be expected to sit through the whole of Battlefield Earth.

No, Kabbalah is very much the one for us – a pass to the roped-off VIP area in eternity.

The only problem is how are we going to recognise all the celebs when we get there, especially the ones who keep changing their names.

For instance, we read in this morning’s Mail that Madonna now wishes to be known as Esther.

Esther (from the Persian word Satarah, meaning ‘star’) was an Old Testament queen who saved her fellow Jews from mass killing.

And The Artist Formerly Known As Madonna explains in an interview on US TV that she “wanted to attach myself to the energy of a different name”.

“Kabbalists believe in immortality,” she explains. “They believe that you can overcome death, overcome illness, whatever, so it’s incredibly good to be a rebel.”

Of course, this is bad news for us. Overcoming illness, overcoming death – it sounds like the VIP area in Heaven might be a bit empty.

Anyone got L Ron Hubbard’s number?’

Posted: 17th, June 2004 | In: Tabloids Comment | TrackBack | Permalink