Anorak News | No Hassel

No Hassel

by | 8th, July 2004

‘MISSING – feared drunk.

The Hoff-meister

Please be on the look-out for a white middle-aged male with brown hair (head, chest, legs and back) brown sunglasses, denim jacket (collar up), brown loafers (no socks) and hero complex.

David Hasselhoff, aka Michael Knight, aka Mitch Buchannon, aka Hassel the Hoff is at large.

If you see this man – perhaps he’ll be standing on a wall and singing to himself in German – do not approach him or attempt to strike up a conversation.

Immediately contact the Cirque Lodge rehabilitation centre in Utah.

That’s where, according to the National Enquirer, the man with the million-mile stare should be.

Only he’s not, because having been booked into the exclusive clinic for three months in a bid to eradicate his alcohol problems, Hasselhoff checked out early.

And that’s not good enough, because the Enquirer has it that the last time Hasselhoff failed to last the course he fell off the wagon which such a bang he nearly died.

So we need your help. And, boy, was that ever fast. Our sources tell us that Dave is set to appear under the pseudonym Billy Flynn.

From July 12, Hasselhoff, aka Billy, will be appearing in Chicago at a London theatre. No, you fools, come back – not in Chicago, but in the play.

We hope the medics can reach him in time and so save him, the day, the matinee and the evening show from disaster.

Because if he isn’t returned to the clinic, The Hassel just might die.

Although, admittedly, dying on stage is something he might have to get used to…’

Posted: 8th, July 2004 | In: Reviews Comment | TrackBack | Permalink