Anorak News | A Woman Scorned

A Woman Scorned

by | 9th, July 2004

‘THEY say that Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned and, if that woman happens to be a Battersby, then Hell will seem like a day out at Alton Towers.

The Alf Roberts Memorial Fountain

Leanne has decided to get revenge on Nick and Maria for the way they treated both her and her sister Toyah. Plotting the downfall of Nick and Maria is hardly a serious challenge – the pair present about as much of an intellectual challenge as a basket full of kittens.

Leanne invited the couple to her birthday dinner, which turned out to consist of her, Tyrone and Jason. “Oh look!” shouted out Leanne, “all the blokes round the table have slept with Maria! What a coincidence!” Indeed.

When Maria went to the bathroom, Leanne’s plan became evident. “Who’s got a kiss for the birthday girl?” she asked, offering her cheek to Tyrone first. “Come on Nick,” she whispered, “for old time’s sake.”

Begrudgingly Nick went to kiss her on the cheek and she turned round to give him a big snog, of which she just happened to take a picture on her new camera phone.

Leanne then texted Maria the picture, along with the message, “Look who’s been sleeping in my bed.” And of course, this being Soap Land, Maria chose to believe the word of a bitter ex-wife whom she’s never met before than that of her fiancé.

Nick has been offered a job in Nottingham and he’s decided to take it – I didn’t realise that they auditioned for panto so early on in the year.

Elsewhere on the street, Sunita has finally done what she’s wanted to for months and fallen into Dev’s arms. Unfortunately it was as she crashed to the floor and passed out.

Sunita has been complaining of “headaches” and “dizzy spells” and regular soap-watchers will know that this means a tumour at the very least.

Dev is set to realise that it’s Sunita he really loves as she lies there in a coma – well a woman in a coma is probably preferable to mad Maya. Sunita and Dev had better invest in stab-proof vests though.

Forget girl power, pension power is what’s galvanising the residents of Weatherfield. Blanche, Norris, Betty and Rita are up in arms about the fact that the council are to spend forty thousand pounds building a fountain in memory of Alf Roberts.

Older viewers will remember Alf as the down-trodden husband of Audrey and mayor of the borough. Audrey is obviously delighted that “’er Alfie” is to become immortalised, while other residents are complaining about the waste of public money.

Blanche decided to organise a protest. “Wot yer gonna do? Chain yerselves naked to the railings?” joked Kirk, prompting sixteen million viewers to spontaneously vomit. In the end, their protest consisted of Blanche shouting a bit and Betty “having a turn.”

Audrey took it all in her stride, however. After all, no water feature commemorating a famous dead person goes by without some criticism.’

Posted: 9th, July 2004 | In: Strange But True Comment | TrackBack | Permalink