Tight Wad

‘THE Queen is so tight with her cash that, had she designed the Princess Diana Memorial Fountain, chances are it would have been a simple muddy ditch alongside a B road with ‘Di’ spelt out in weed killer.

‘PG Tips, anyone?’

Of course, Her Majesty would defend her corner and say with confidence that such a design would have been a marked improvement on the current effort, as well as being more dog-friendly.

And before we go on (to the Tower), allow us to say that the Queen is not really mean or tight – she is frugal or what the Sun calls ‘thrifty’.

She is careful with the pennies which, once looked after, have secured her a £250m coin mountain.

And today the Express tells its readers how they too can live like the monarch, it having seen a tape of a new TV show called All The Queen’s Cooks.

This cutting-edge programme will show avid viewers how Liz doesn’t like tomatoes because the pips get stuck in her teeth.

And she doesn’t like curries and spicy foods, preferring solid fare like lamb cutlets and roast beef, with a bread-and-butter pudding or ice-cream for afters.

For these invaluable insights into the Queen’s palate we have Gary Rhodes to thank – the spiky-haired TV chef once worked as a Buckingham Palace footman.

While Rhodes waves goodbye to any chance of receiving a gong for services to hair gel, readers of the Mirror must be wondering why Ryan Parry, the paper’s own bogus lackey, never got this scoop.

Perhaps this is why Parry yesterday returned to the scene of his greatest triumph, taking a £12.95 sightseeing tour of the Windsors’ inner-London mansion where he and Rhodes both toiled.

Disappointed that the tour did not take in the Queen’s breakfast plate or ye olde Royale bins and rubbishe chute, Parry seems content to recall past glories, like the time he saw the Tupperware in which Liz’s cornflakes were stored and a pot of Waitrose natural yoghurt (31p).’

Posted: 3rd, August 2004 | In: Tabloids Comment | TrackBack | Permalink