Aches And Panes

‘WHAT would you like to be the last thing you see before dying?

‘It’s the Grim Reaper!’

Would you prefer to do as millionaire Reg Penny did and spend your final moments staring at a naked Lithuanian prostitute called Zivile Sasnauskiene?

As the Express says, she was the last thing dear old Reg saw before he croaked, dying of natural causes with a bottle of alkyl nitrate (poppers) nearby and a pair of toe nail clippers in his mouth, placed there by his illicit lover to prevent him from swallowing his tongue.

Or would you like your last view to be that of your doctor, telling you not to worry, the operation was a terrific success and you’ll be back on your feet in no time at all?

Problem is that, as the Sun says, nearly half of all patients cannot see their GPs within two days.

The Government had said, according to the Sun’s report, that 97% of patients get to see their doctor within the target time of 48 hours.

But a poll by the NHS watchdog Healthcare Commission found that the real figure is 54%, well short of the mark.

Which means that, if you want to ensure your final view is of your favourite medic, best take a photograph of them and have it stuck to the ceiling above your deathbed. Or stick a video of Carry On Doctor on the telly.

Anything has to be better than the view on offer at Bristol Oncology Centre, where, as the Mail and Express report on their front pages, the windows have not been washed for seven years.

Retired doctor John Hughes-Games – who was to succumb to leukaemia while staying in the centre’s gloomy wards – noticed the awful view and vowed to do something about it.

At his funeral he called for donations from mourners to get the windows cleaned. His passing was an unmitigated success and he managed to rake together £1,500 for the job.

All that’s left to do now if to find someone willing to take on the work. United Bristol Healthcare NHS Trust is currently accepting tenders for the job.

So if you have a bucket, a ladder and want to do some good, submit your terms of employment for scrubbing the 400 grubby windows to the NHS pen-pushers.

And if you get the job, try to smile as your head pops up at the grimy windows – your face might just be the last thing many people see…’

Posted: 5th, August 2004 | In: Tabloids Comment | TrackBack | Permalink