Anorak News | The Naked Truth

The Naked Truth

by | 12th, August 2004

‘THIS may come as news to the Queen and other fans of Kirsty’s Home Videos, but strutting your stuff in the nude has apparently never been so cool.

The Anorak ‘family’ on a staff outing to Alton Towers

So says this morning’s Star, which reports that bare is the new black as “countless celebs [are] shedding their clothes for movies, plays and ads”.

But before all you Anorak readers tear off your Eazy-Slax and sign up for the naked volleyball classes at your local gym, a word or two to the wise.

The Star hears from body confidence expert Helen Jackson as she gives tips on “looking sexy not saggy, no matter what your body shape”.

For instance, standing and walking correctly are two of the most important ways to look good in the altogether.

“And,” says the Star, “simply slicking on baby oil or highlighting your good bits with shimmer-powder can give even Waynetta Slob a touch of glamour.”

If at this point you are starting to feel a bit queasy, we advise you to pause and take a few deep breaths before we continue.

Feeling better? You soon won’t be as the Star takes us by the hand and leads us into the bedroom.

“This is one place where it’s hard to avoid stripping off,” it reminds us, “especially if you strike it lucky or have a partner.”

If you have a partner, we’re sure they already know you look like Vanessa Feltz leaving an all-you-can-eat buffet.

But if not, follow our advice.

Turn the lighting right down. Off is perfect, but failing that try some coloured bulbs in pink or peach.

Sit on the bed with your toes pointing downwards – it will make your legs look longer and you’ll appear more elegant. Make sure the light is behind you – backlighting makes you look slimmer.

Feeling relaxed and confident? Door locked? What about a little striptease?

Choose decent music. Peeling off your clothes to “There’s Klingons on the starboard bow” just ain’t going to cut it. If you’ve got no music, try moving to a rhythm in your head.

“Don’t be shy – dominate. Your girl or fella will thank you for it!”

As the front door slams and they run screaming down your street…’

Posted: 12th, August 2004 | In: Tabloids Comment | TrackBack | Permalink