Anorak News | Going For Gold

Going For Gold

by | 13th, August 2004

‘CITIUS, Altius Et Fortius.’ And to that Olympic ideal, this morning we can add ‘Hornius’.

Medal hopefuls Dave Smith and Karina Brown

The Star reports that each of the 10,500 competitors for the Athens games, which start later today, will be given three condoms A DAY – more than ever before.

The paper says Durex is planning to dole out the freebies, together with 30,000 sachets of lubricant – meaning that the Olympic Village will be (literally) awash with some 500,000 rubbers.

And that, by the Star’s calculation, will be enough to allow the athletes 31,250 protected romps a day over the 16 days of the competition.

Ignoring the obvious flaw in the paper’s maths, namely that it takes two (and sometimes more) to do the horizontal tango, are we alone in finding this scenario somewhat unlikely?

After all, most of the male athletes’ bodies are so full of steroids, masking drugs and masking drugs to mask the masking drugs that they haven’t seen wood for years.

And with many of the female athletes doing a passable impression of male athletes, we suspect this isn’t going to be the Olympic shagfest that is predicted.

US swimmer Nelson Diebel, however, insists the Olympics are ‘a two-week-long private party for hard bodies’.

And if you want to join in, you had better start getting in shape for the Beijing bonkathon in 2008.

Thankfully, the Express celebrates the opening of the Olympiad with a picture of Denise Lewis and a feature on ‘How To Get A Body Like An Olympic Athlete’.

If you don’t fancy a body like Denise, then open the Sun and see whether you would prefer one like long jumper Jade Johnson’s.

With only a few days to go until her event, you would have thought that Jade was focussed only on how far into that sandpit she is going to jump.

But, according to the Sun, it appears the ‘lovestruck’ 24-year-old is looking forward to a jump of a different kind.

She hasn’t seen boyfriend, American long jumper Jamie Nieto, for three months and ‘has planned a reunion that will promise [him] a personal best’.

All of which promises to be far more interesting than the games themselves and leads us to think that it is high time for a radical shake-up of the Olympic programme.

Today, we at Anorak Towers officially start our campaign to get The Wheelbarrow Race included as a demonstration sport in London 2012…’

Posted: 13th, August 2004 | In: Tabloids Comment | TrackBack | Permalink