Anorak News | Lynam Up

Lynam Up

by | 17th, August 2004

‘BEFORE women of a certain age went weak at the knees for David Blunkett, there was Des Lynam.

‘And as for that Mother bloody Teresa!’

The man the Star calls the ‘housewives’ pin-up’ – and who we have for the past ten seasons called Mr Comfi-Slax – has made millions of women dream of what might have been had their husbands grown a moustache.

But no more is Des the lounge lizard smoothy – today he reveals an altogether more ruthless side to his character.

Put it down to age, put it down to his fading allure or put it down to bitterness, but Des is in the Mirror sounding less like Leslie Phillips and more like Victor Meldrew.

He says that adverts on ITV ‘cramped his style’, and that his high-profile transfer from the BBC to its main competitors at ITV made him feel ‘wobbly’.

Fair enough. And we understand Des’s reasons for deciding no longer to commentate on football – ‘If you’re talking about athletic young people, it’s inappropriate to get too old doing it, in my view.’

But something has changed in Des, the eyes are more narrowed, the lips more pursed, the moustache more bristling with indignation.

And it’s all down to Simon Cowell.

‘I’d like to punch that geek,’ says Des. ‘He almost wants to be punched. He’s earning millions out of people wanting to punch him, but I’ll be first in the queue.’

Steady on, Des. Even a fit and feisty sixty-something like you doesn’t want to get overexcited at your time of life. Take it easy…

Ooer. Too late, and now Des is off, he’s got another target in his sights – Alastair Campbell.

‘Who the hell was he?’ asks Des, seeming to have lost his train of thought for a second. ‘A sidekick of the Prime Minister.’

Yes, he was. Spot on, Des.

And then comes something we thought we’d never live to hear. When talking about the former BBC director general Greg Dyke, who accused Lynam of losing his touch, Des utters an expletive.

‘He thought I was uninterested and I wasn’t doing it as well as I used to, and that was bollocks – I was doing it as well as ever’

No, make it stop! Listening to Des is the equivalent of seeing your grandparents having sex. It’s all too much to take.

But before he goes, Des wants to leave us with one last thought. ‘In case you’re wondering,’ says he, ‘I have a perfectly normal upper lip.’

Enough! That really is too much information…’

Posted: 17th, August 2004 | In: Tabloids Comment | TrackBack | Permalink