Derek The Dope

‘THERE must be something in the water down Walford way – rather like the town of Stepford, where all the women who move there undergo complete personality changes.

‘Fancy a quickie?’

Unlike in Stepford, however, where these changes are brought about by wicked husbands, in Walford it’s due to lazy scriptwriting and badly thought out storylines.

We’ve already had to swallow Jim turning from Bernard Manning in a flat cap into an advert for the United Colours of Benneton – where his best friend is now a black man and another of his friends is gay.

Now it’s Paul and Dennis’ turn to be transformed from gamblers, thieves and murders into would-be Mother Teresas helping the sick and the poor.

Dennis has, bizarrely, become Dot’s mentor as she goes through her cancer ordeal. “We’ll get through this together,“ he told her. “I’m always here for you.” This from the man who’s murdered someone and collects money with menaces for a living.

Paul has put his gambling, hard-drinking, feckless ways behind him and is now giving free basketball coaching to underprivileged kids. Fortunately for viewers, though, Paul is about as effective a coach as many in the British Olympics squad.

He’s now in trouble for letting his teenage protégé smoke dope in the community centre. Derek caught them at it but decided not to call the police – with a conviction for dope himself, he thought it best to let sleeping stoners lie.

Unluckily, Ian’s children Lucy and Peter had seen the boys and, as is always the way with all soap children, the precious drama school brats insisted on telling their father. Ian stormed round to Paul’s to give him a piece of his mind, generous considering he doesn’t have much to spare.

“My kids could have been killed,” he ranted, “You’ll have them on heroin next. I’m calling the police.”

Patrick and Yolande are devastated, as they fear that this will put paid to their chances of being considered suitable foster parents. I don’t know, surely the ability to provide a reliable drugs source is what most teenagers would die for.

Ian’s new friend Jane is trying to persuade him not to call the police. She and Kate popped round to help Ian move into the Ferrairas’ old house. It didn’t take Kate long to realise that Jane was interested in more than just buttering Ian’s baps in the caff.

Later this week Kate tries to get the couple together, unaware that, although Jane does actually like Ian, she’s got a secret husband who’s got a terminal illness.

Why this should be a surprise to Kate, I don’t know. The woman’s moved to Walford, so of course she – or someone close to her – is going to have a terminal illness. You’d think Kate would have learnt by now.’

Posted: 17th, August 2004 | In: Tabloids Comment | TrackBack | Permalink