Anorak News | Chewing The Fatuous

Chewing The Fatuous

by | 26th, August 2004

‘CONGRATULATIONS to Hello! for finally realising that its diet of sugary sweet pap wrapped in candy floss and treacle is damaging the nation’s teeth.

Esther attaches herself to the energy of Guy

The complementary packet of Orbit ‘Professional’ sugar free gum glued to the cover of this week’s issue will go some way to repairing the damage Hello!’s words have inflicted upon a nation not overly blessed in the dental department.

But before the first stick of gum has lost its flavour, the magazine is scraping its enamel-like nails down a blackboard.

Madonna, readers learn, is all set to tell us why ‘family life is her greatest gift’.

Whether this is her gift to us, a gift to herself or a gift from a fan is never made totally clear.

What we get instead is the chance to see Madonna walking along with her husband, Guy, the pair decked out in matching flat caps, earthy-coloured slacks and polo shirts.

Oh, and, naturally, they both sport identical red sting bracelets, the last word in celebrity chic, and only available to devotees of Kabbalah…or in the haberdashery section of John Lewis.

But clever old you have noticed that it’s not Madonna at all – it’s Esther, the woman who looks a lot like Madonna, only without the conical bra and bulging crotch.

And she chose the name Esther because she ‘wanted to attach myself to the energy of a different name’.

If it was energy she was after, Duracell, Nuclear Fusion or National Grid may have served the purpose better.

But not Mars, Topic or any energy-boosting confection which, as readers of Hello! know only too well, can rot your teeth faster than you can say ‘few can deny she looks better than a woman her age has any right to…”

Posted: 26th, August 2004 | In: Reviews Comment | TrackBack | Permalink