Holmes Improvement

‘WHEN Hello! tells us on its front page that it’s got Kelly Holmes ‘as you’ve never seen her before’, we begin to think.

From Marc Jacobs’ lycra collection

Since we’ve only ever seen Kelly in a pair of Lycra shorts and a numbered boob tube, we begin to imagine how the magazine has pictured our golden girl.

We’ve never seen Kelly in a bucket of water with a kangaroo on her head, being burnt at the stake or being dangled from a helicopter over a pair of snapping crocodile jaws.

And this makes us fear for Kelly and worry what Hello! has done to our Olympic hero.

But what with this being Hello!, when we do arrive at the promised pictorial sensation we see our Kelly in a…dress.

And then after that first silver sequinned number with a slit to the thigh, we see her in another dress, this time a yellow effort also with a slit up to her thigh.

And then there’s Kelly in another dress – this one’s a truly hideous concoction of coloured lace, silver beads, sequins and slit to the thigh.

And that’s all before she’s put in a shiny pink creation with a few frills riding up the now ubiquitous slit to the thigh.

After that it’s into a black velvety dress (with thigh-high slit) and a red dress, which although we only see the top, we imagine to be slit to the thigh.

And then Hello! asks Holmes a question that invites only one answer: ‘What will you treasure most from this success in years to come?’

Kelly mumbles something about a dream and having no regrets, but the real treasure is the vast collection of dresses she now owns – all out of character and all slit to the thigh.’

Posted: 9th, September 2004 | In: Reviews Comment | TrackBack | Permalink