Anorak News | The House Of Ushers

The House Of Ushers

by | 16th, September 2004

‘EARLIER in the week, we were invited to wonder what would have occurred had Batman enthusiast Jason Hatch been an al-Qaeda terrorist or a suicide bomber.

‘If your name’s not on the members’ list, you’re not coming in’

Today, an MP tells the Mirror his concerns that the five pro-hunt demonstrators that stormed the House of Commons yesterday “could have been assassins”.

In the space of a week we could have lost our MPs and our Royals, leaving a chasm in the social hierarchy to be filled by Premier League footballers and Star stunna Lucy Pinder.

And don’t doubt that this pack know how to kill. We dread to think what could have happened had the Conservative co-chairman Dr Liam Fox been in the debating chamber when they invaded.

Indeed, for all we know, right now he may be fleeing for his very life over so much hedgerow and open farmland.

But MPs are not vermin. Really, they are not. And they don’t have to rely just on their wits and raw cunning to keep them out of trouble, protected as they are by the Commons doorkeepers.

And there are Tony’s bouncers in the Mail, pictured entering the House dressed in their fighting gear of black frock coats and tights, with black rosettes and swords.

For some reason the Express finds this “pathetic” and says that the scenes, broadcast around the world, are an embarrassment to the entire nation.

This is clearly nonsense, and we now call upon the Commons to turn the “Ye Olde Worlde Storming Of The House” into a daily event, whereby tourists are charged ten British pounds to see democracy in action.

Iraqis and visitors from totalitarian regimes could come and learn how in a free and fair society a man who disagrees with the vote – MPs voted by 356 to 190 to ban hunting – and the protocol – the legislation will not go before the House of Lords – can still have his voice heard.

Look on in silent awe, good tourist, as Protestor One (played by John Leslie) stands before the despatch box and declares: “This isn’t democracy. You are overturning democracy.”

Labour MPs Clare Wards (Glenda Jackson) and Kate Hoey (Barbara Windsor) then stand up and scream: “Get out, get out, get out.”

Cue the men in tights (Danny La Rue, Dale Winton and Michael Flatley), who dash in and wrestle the gatecrashers to the ground.

They are then be taken outside and, as the Mirror suggests in its headline “Toff With Their Head”, are decapitated and their heads placed on spikes, replicas of which are available in the Commons shoppe.’

Posted: 16th, September 2004 | In: Tabloids Comment | TrackBack | Permalink