Anorak News | The Wonder Pill

The Wonder Pill

by | 10th, November 2004

‘IF readers of the Daily Mail had to invent a “wonder pill”, what would it do?

The Yellow peril

Well, it would certainly do all the things that this morning’s new miracle drug Accomplia can do – help people to stop smoking, to stop drinking and to lose weight.

But it surely would do so much more – it would, for instance, act as a birth control pill, but would only be effective for women over the age of 21 (or those in a committed mongamous relationship).

It would no doubt turn all our skin pigmentation an Anglo-Saxon shade of pink; it would fold out and act as a pashmina; it would renegotiate the Treaty of Rome, teach our children the three Rs and turn Michael Grade into Mary Whitehouse.

In short, it would be the pharmaceutical equivalent of turning the clock back 50 years to a time when children scrumped for apples, the village bobby administered justice with a clip round the ear and no meal was complete without Bird’s Custard.

Times, however, have changed and, as the Express reports, Bird’s Custard is not the staple of the British diet that it used to be.

In fact, so poorly is it selling these days that American owner Kraft Foods is considering pulling the plug.

“That’s not the only shock news,” the Express says. “There are rumours that Angel Delight and Dream Topping could also get their just desserts after disappointing world sales figures.

“Insiders say the value to Kraft of the three British desserts is now ‘more sentimental than economic’.”

And that is the cue for the Express to get all misty-eyed as it harks back to 1837 when chemist Alfred Bird invented an egg-less dessert powder because his wife was allergic to eggs.

With a nostalgic tear in its eye, it then casts its mind back to 1964 when Dream Topping was first produced as an alternative to cream for trifles.

And how can it remember 1967 with anything other than great fondness as the year when sachets of Angel Delight first hit the shops?

Maybe, our wonder pill can bring back those more innocent times, when British gastronomic taste was unaffected by, well, taste and when our meals were prepared by chemists, not chefs.

But even a wonder pill has its limits – and sadly even it cannot recall a day when people actually wanted to read the Express…’

Posted: 10th, November 2004 | In: Tabloids Comment | TrackBack | Permalink