(Ab)original Sin

‘SUSPICIONS that the jungle camp on I’m A Celebrity… is little more than an open-air Green Room are reinforced by today’s headline: ‘CELEB CAMP IS DRUG PARADISE.’

‘Whoa! This Fo-Ti-Teng is some good shit’

But before Brian Harvey can raise a shaved eyebrow and Sophie Anderton dial the number of her therapist, they should know that the mention of ‘Es’ and ‘Whizz’ to the locals will elicit only blank looks.

The drugs are what the Star’s man on the ground call ‘Aboriginal magic herbs’ and, for those not in the know, the paper has produced a handy cut-out-and-keep wrap-sized menu.

Blue Cypress, a form of marijuana, is given a ‘high rating’ of 9/10. Salvia Divinorum, known in jungle slang as ‘Sage of the Diviners’, scores an 8/10.

But the real pick of the bunch is Australian Fo-Ti-Teng-Ecstasy, with earns an impressive 10/10 for sexual sensation…and produces no side effects.

Readers deprived of such exotic stimulants back home, however, are invited to awaken their acorns by staring at pictures of former lapdancer Nancy Sorrell exposing her chest to the merciless Australian sun.

She does likewise to the equally merciless British Sun, which awards her an impressive 11/10, trouncing the 6/10 it dishes out to Sophie Anderton, whose white chest illuminates the paper’s revered Page 3.

If this were not enough, the Sun says that the show plans some aural arousal this year and contestants will find not only bugs in their beds, but microphones too.

‘We are hoping for some sizzling jungle action following Jordan and Peter’s bedtime antics,’ says a show insider.

‘The celebs can’t get away with covering up their mikes. We will hear everything – and I mean everything.’

Phwoar, indeed. And here’s a seductive clue to what we can expect from Alex Gardiner, the show’s producer: ‘It’s always the most unlikely couple that end up together.’

Mindful of that, look out for Paul Burrell and Janet Street-Porter getting it on. Or what about a steamy clinch between Sophie Anderton and a passing Aborigine?

Or Sophie and Paul – after all, they’ve both had their fair share of problems with Charlie…’

Posted: 19th, November 2004 | In: Tabloids Comment | TrackBack | Permalink