Anorak News | A Biscuit Case

A Biscuit Case

by | 7th, December 2004

‘THANKS to the various taped interviews Princess Diana gave to the BBC, Andrew Morton, her voice coach, her gardener, the man who ran the corner shop next to Kensington Palace etc., there is not much we don’t know about the Queen Of Hearts.

A diet of Hob Nobs and Ginger Nuts

We know how often she had sex with her husband (every three weeks), we know what the sex was like (odd) and we know all about the sex with her other men (often; many).

And today we discover yet more, namely that in 1985 she fell “deeply in love” with her bodyguard Barry Mannakee and dreamed of walking out on Prince Charles to be with him.

“He was the greatest fellow I have ever had,” she says of him (in a taped interview aired on NBC last night and reproduced in this morning’s Mail).

“I was always waiting around to see him. Um, I just, you know, wore my heart on my sleeve. I was only happy when he was around.”

Unfortunately, Mr Mannakee died in a motorbike “accident” in 1987 – before he could reveal Diana’s closest secrets, specifically the identity of her favourite biscuit.

With both Diana and Mannakee gone, we need Paul Burrell to enlighten us.

But not only is he still detained in Australia (where last night he was beaten to the King Of The Jungle crown by Joe Pasquale) but – as the soul of discretion – we fancy he would rather go to bed with another man than reveal his former mistress’s secrets.

So, we turn to the Express, where a team of psychologists have been giving their undivided attention to this most pressing of matters.

And they have narrowed it down to three biscuits – the Jammy Dodger (“fruity by filling, fruity by nature”), the Custard Cream (“the life and soul of the party”) or the milk-chocolate Digestive (“easy-going popular type, happy to go with the flow”).

But what about Hob Nobs? Or Ginger Nuts? Or just plain crackers?’

Posted: 7th, December 2004 | In: Tabloids Comment | TrackBack | Permalink