Go West

‘WELCOME to the new look Ellis Island.

Sophie tries to stop herself hitting the wall

Leave your old Asda carrier bags by the door, step right up onto the stage and tell the judges – in two singing, dancing verses or fewer – why you would like make it big in the United States.

Coronation Street’s Chris Quentin, Bruce Forsyth and Victoria Beckham have all failed this part of the test and been sent packing.

But the Enquirer is always on the look-out for new arrivals twirling wide-eyed and hopeful down the gangplank of the HMS Superstar. And this week it spots Sophie Anderton.

And boy, does Sophie have some baggage. ”Top US relationship expert” and immigration official Dr Gilda Carle says that ”Sophie hit the wall out there in the jungle”.

It was nothing but a headlong collision that could either ”kill her or cure her”.

Dr Gilda then flips open Sophie’s health chart and nods sagely. She looks up.

”Considering Sophie’s emotional history and chronic substance abuse, I am aghast that any responsible adult who cares for her welfare would have put this obviously vulnerable girl in a make or break survival situation in the first place.”

When we last looked, the woman who played Jungle Pain to Paul Burrell’s Tarzan was not forcibly hurled onto the aircraft and deported to Australia, but rather she chose to shed so many salt water tears in the camera-infested rain forest.

And as for make or break, surely Sophie has achieved the former.

As her ambitious fellow travellers will jealously note, being noticed by the American media is no small thing.

Now if she can just find something she’s good at, she might just succeed where so many have failed.’

Posted: 13th, December 2004 | In: Reviews Comment | TrackBack | Permalink