Anorak News | No Room At The Inn

No Room At The Inn

by | 16th, December 2004

‘IN a spectacular piece of miscasting, Demi Millar has been given the role of the Virgin Mary in the Square’s nativity play – although, like the Virgin Mary, Demi has no idea how she got pregnant.

‘What d’you mean I don’t look like Liv Tyler?’

Little Aleesha is unlikely to grow up to be anything other than a chav princess, however, having been born into a family of workshy layabouts and petty thieves.

Ian Beale has issued a formal complaint about the nativity play to Derek who’s producing the performance. “You’re gonna offend a lot of minorities putting on a Christian play,” Ian sanctimoniously told Derek.

Of course, the real reason Scrooge McBeale is trying to get Christmas cancelled is because his children failed to get decent parts. Ian showed what a caring parent he was this week by presenting his twins with a 99p Victoria sponge and a bootlegged copy of Shrek 2 for their birthday.

There’s more parent trouble for Billy and Little Mo. Billy is struggling to accept Freddie as his son, which is hardly surprising considering he’s not his actual son and is the product of a horrendous rape attack.

But in the wonderful world of Walford, rapes are two-a-penny (just ask Kat, Kate Mitchell, Kelly….) so no-one can understand why Billy’s making such a fuss.

Alfie, having lost one Slater sister, seems keen to take up with another one – well let’s face it, they are all pretty much interchangeable – and has been playing dad to little Freddie.

“You’re so good wif ‘im,” cooed Little Mo as Alife expertly silenced Freddie’s cries (he’d probably been telling him jokes).

Sharon and Dennis are also keen to ‘keep it in the family’, having resumed their horrendous affair.

Of course, in soap world, clandestine/borderline incestuous affairs are conducted in the middle of the street in order to ensure that they get seen – preferably by the worst possible person.

In this case, it’s Stacey who happened to see them snogging in the square and she’s out to cause the maximum pain to everyone.

Unfortunately for Stacy, her plans have been foiled so far by the fact that everyone in Walford knows what a lying poisonous little minx she is.

“You wanna get down to a STD clinic,” Stacy sneered to Zoe. “You don’t know where that Dennis ‘as been. On second forts I do – he’s been wiv ‘is sister.”

Zoe is refusing to believe Stacy – who for once in her miserable 16 years of life is actually telling the truth. Dennis and Sharon think that their ‘secret’ is safe as Charlie has announced that he’s taking Stacy back to her mother’s.

Both Stacy and the Slaters are in for a nasty surprise, however, when it turns out that she is about as welcome as Michael Moore in the White House.’

Posted: 16th, December 2004 | In: Tabloids Comment | TrackBack | Permalink