Kerry’s King Abdicates

‘EXCUSE the smudged copy, but the grim news that Queen Kerry not only lost her jungle crown in 2004 but her Bryan too still hurts.

‘It’s vile’

Divorce is on the cards for the couple – an incredible thought when just back in February, Mr and Mrs McPudding shot to the top of OK!’s Valentine chart of the 20 “sexiest, soppiest and smoochiest celebrity pairings”.

Their children will be split down the middle – one half of Molly and one half of Lily to each of them – Bryan will become Brian once more and Kerry “Tearful of Warrington”.

But it was all so pleasant. So amicable. So blameless. So nice. So Max Clifford.

The do-gooder represented them both and was at pains to tell us how Kerry was in bits and Brian was in pieces, while he (Max) was – like Rebecca Loos’s pet pig – wallowing in so much muck.

Others who will also not be citing irreconcilable PR agents in any divorce court settlement are Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez, who failed even to get married before they split.

It was a cold day in January when Ben Affleck and J-Lo could no longer string out their romance.

Having spawned two god-awful films, the phrase “conversation smorgasbord” and more schmaltz than Katz’s New York deli, Bennifer was over.

And once again it was a clean break. There were no shattered lives, no shredded clothes – just the three people who saw Jersey Girl or Gigli at their local cinemas demanding their money back.

So as not to waste all that fish paste from one scuppered wedding extravaganza, however, J-Lo slid the cheese back onto the little wooden sticks and opted for husband No.3, a singer called Marc Anthony.

But how long will it last? Marry in haste, repent at leisure is an adage as true today as it ever was.

For busy Britney Spears the realisation that she married the wrong man took just 12 hours.

After two days of hard partying in Las Vegas, Britney and Jason Allen Alexander, her childhood sweetheart from Louisiana, took a ride to the Little White Wedding Chapel and tied the knot.

Well, it was more of loose bow since moments after saying ‘I do’, Britney recognised her folly and called for an annulment.

Even the recipe for a successful marriage, as written on a card given to the couple by the chapel owners (‘Take two hearts full of love, two cups of friendship and four armfuls of gentleness’), could not save the day.

And once more there was no great pain. Call us callous, but we wanted some. Obligingly, along came Nancy Dell’Olio and Sven Goran Eriksson.

You can argue about the existence of WMDs, debate the toss on who of Posh, Rebecca Loos and David Beckham was to blame, but there can be no argument that Sven Goran Eriksson is a passionate man.

The way Sven’s eyes almost flicker and his pupils dilate when England concede a goal, and his Marlon Brando-like post-match interviews in which each of his few words is delivered with maximum thought and a seductive ‘er…’, are among the more obvious signs of his vigour.

Charismatic Sven might talk softly, but he needs to carry a big stick to beat off all the women who come to his door, entranced only by the golden glint of his allure.

Only Sven had not been wielding his stick with as much gusto as he should have been, and we learned that he’d been having it offside with the Football Association’s favourite perk, Ms Faria Alam.

“There is absolutely no truth in this story,’ said Alam as the story broke. ‘I have been shocked by the untrue allegations… I am taking legal advice because I can 100 per cent categorically deny any involvement with the England coach.’

Failing that, she’d go on telly and let everyone how Sven considered emptying the dishwasher to be a form of foreplay.

When the final whistle sounded, Sven had dumped Nancy, Nancy had dumped Sven and Faria had swapped tops with anyone who wanted to.

Messy maybe – but at least the cups and plates at Sven’s Swedish lair were clean, dry and in the rightful place.

And then there were Billie Piper and Chris Evans. If ever a loving couple were destined to go the distance it was 38-year-old once-divorced man-about-town Chris and 22-year-old budding actress Billie – or so we thought.

Then Jessie Wallace and the lucky ex-copper who scored soap’s best babe, Dave Morgan, broke up – and Jessie pregnant with their child!

The cause of the split was a story in a Sunday paper, in which Dave’s friend Winston Rollock had accused Jessie of drinking in the morning, slagging off her co-stars, smoking dope and asking him for sex.

The actress, who plays Kat Moon in the BBC soap, vehemently denied the accusations and was said to be considering suing the papers that voiced them in question for libel.

“My mum and my family had to read his lies, that I was offering my body to him,” she said. “It’s vile.”

We listened. We looked. We considered the short skirts and troweled-on make-up. We concurred with her observation. She’d made her point well.

They then got back together, and Jessie gave birth to a delightful bouncing baby orange.

Also in 2004, Tom Cruise split from his homophonous actress girlfriend Penelope Cruz and Imran Khan and Jemima’s romance went west – while he stayed east.

Barbie dumped Ken. Harrison Ford’s ex-wife, Melissa Mathison, won a £50m payout in their divorce case.

And Posh and Dave considered their options…’

Posted: 24th, December 2004 | In: Tabloids Comment | TrackBack | Permalink