Anorak News | Win Some, Loos Some

Win Some, Loos Some

by | 24th, December 2004

‘ONE-NIL! Rebecca Loos, the 26-year-old PA, went on the record to say that she and Dave had had it off.

‘Hands up who hasn’t slept with Day-vid!’

TWO-NIL! A redhead called Helia went on Spanish TV to claim that Becks had three sexual encounters with a short blonde girl in the toilets of Café Buddha.

THREE-NIL! Madrid party girl Nuria Bermudez (nicknamed Muchas Tetas because of her ample curves) claimed she had sex with Dave in his hotel room and how he’d sent her sexy texts.

FOUR-NIL! Sarah Marbeck said she too had slept with Dave.

But what to believe? Dave, dad of the year, Gay Icon of The Year, man of the year, black man of the year, or a bunch of slappers who’d dare sleep with a married man?

Before things got too out of hand, Anorak went on the record to state that we have never had a sexual encounter of any kind with David Beckham.

In the melee of continued media speculation and salacious suggestions to the contrary, we felt our position was such that the record must be set right.

And where we led, others followed – soon David and Victoria issued their own statement.

‘This weekend a series of even more absurd and unsubstantiated claims have been published about David and Victoria Beckham,’ it said.

‘The couple continue to dismiss these stories and they will not be commenting upon them further at this time. Lawyers have been instructed by David and Victoria concerning these matters.’

They were instructed – and that instruction seems to have been to do nothing.

And while the lawyers shuffled papers and exchanged pouts – and Victoria Beckham put on the big sunglasses and looked less like a wronged wife and more like the product of a bluebottle’s short romance with a garden rake – Ms Loos told all.

Having heard David Beckham speak, we were none to surprised that, when it came to phone sex, Rebecca Loos had preferred to communicate with her lover by text message.

One word from Dave and her ardour would have deflated like a pricked helium balloon.

And so it was we were treated to what Dave said, with asterisks employed much in the same fashion pot plants were used to obscure the juicy bits in 1980s porn.

We had no idea what the “sleazy senorita”, the posher-than-Posh daughter of Dutch diplomat, meant to say. But we have it on the record.

And it’s a better record than Posh’s, whose pursuit of that solo No. 1 escaped her once again.

But was her ardent desire to be thought a singer to blame for Dave’s alleged indiscretion(s)?

Elton John thought so, as did most of the distaff side of Fleet Street, for whom Becks had achieved a sudden accessibility.

‘I just think that things went wrong when he went to Madrid. I would have thought the best idea would have been for Victoria to go with him,’ said Elts.

‘If you live six months in a hotel room in Madrid – or anywhere – it’s going to drive you crazy.”

At least Posh got to see her man on Mark Hom’s Beckham portrait that went on display at the Royal Academy.

(It was vandalized – over the black-and-white shot of Dave, some mindless oik has written the words in red ink: “You Loosers [sic].”)

And at the National Portrait Gallery, there was a video portrait of the England football captain by Sam Taylor-Wood. It was called simply David.

Although not the greatest art, it nonetheless showed Dave asleep for 67 minutes – so giving him an alibi for part of the time he had spent away from his wife.

Posh also got to see his tattoos – as did we all, especially that revolting one on the back of his neck.

When a man gets tattooed on his neck or face, it is usually his way of signalling that he plans to (a) have a mental breakdown, or (b) start a new life wandering the streets staring into the middle-distance or c) sitting on park benches drinking carrier-bagfuls of super-strength lager.

But when that man is David Beckham, it signifies nothing of the sort, of course.

It is a statement, to be pondered and interpreted by all the world as though it were an ancient rune.

Posh, however, had a clear idea of her view on the topic.

Said a source, reported to be close to the couple: “She hates his looks, hates the tattoos all over his body and hates the way he swears and rants all the time.”

My, you should see his text messages…’

Posted: 24th, December 2004 | In: Reviews Comment | TrackBack | Permalink