Anorak News | Rear Of The Year

Rear Of The Year

by | 25th, January 2005

‘WHEN Jennifer Lopez backed into Hollywood, it was good news for many women.

The backside of the future

No longer were they pear-shaped. No longer would small children stand in line behind them waiting to board the ”bus”. No longer would men make that ”beep-beep” sound favoured by reversing trucks as these women bumped into the cake counter.

The big arse was here and, thanks to a diet of burgers, fried chicken and processed cheese, it was here to stay.

And to support J-Lo’s drive to make a bigger rear the way to be, Beyonce was created. And she was not big-boned, curvy, voluptuous or even heavy – she was bootylicious.

And to prove it, the National Enquirer obtained a picture of the singer dressed in a bikini. And they published it. And then they published it again. And so as to indelibly scorch the image on everyone’s brain, they published it again.

And there it is on the magazine’s cover. And you’d think that, given its much-hyped dimensions, you’d be unable to miss it. But you can. And that’s because most of the magazine’s cover is taken up by Charlize Theron’s ”Monster” bum.

Well, it is only a little monster, a kind of Sesame Street’s Elmo to Beyonce’s Big Bird, but there it is in full view, mooning the people of Bahia, Brazil as the Oscar-winning actress takes in the sun.

This is the ”BATTLE OF THE BUTTS” and it’s one that against all the odds Charlize – fighting well above her weight – seems to be winning.

Just listen to the judges at, er, ringside.

”Charlize has one of the most magnificent and symmetrical butts I have ever seen,” says Dr Bruce Nadir, billed as a ”top plastic surgeon” and nicknamed ”The Liposuctionator”.

Sure, Beyonce has ”a wonderful full-figured behind”, but ”Charlize’s butt has that classic globular look… You can see the definition smile that separates the butt from her leg.”

And perhaps the leering smile creeping over the good doctor’s face.

But to our untrained eye, it just looks like Charlize has a skinny bum. And its arrival could mean that the age of the big backside is at an end. And a little pert white end at that…’

Posted: 25th, January 2005 | In: Reviews Comment | TrackBack | Permalink