Anorak News | Sally Cashes In

Sally Cashes In

by | 3rd, February 2005

‘SALLY’S affair with Ian – the polo neck king – is continuing to make her loads of money and the viewing population physically sick.

”Last night he showed me his new soft top”

The pair are now in classic soap opera affair mode: being about as subtle as Andy Fordham trying to scoff down a pie. Sally has even told Gail of her more than working relationship with her boss.

“No-one’s going to get hurt because no-one’s going to find out,” she twittered on, clearly oblivious to the classic soap law that states every affair must be found out eventually and preferably in the most public and humiliating manner.

Sally is revelling in her new found wealth. “My marriage needs money,” she told Gail. “Kevin and I have never been happier.”

Gail tried to point out that Kevin may not feel the same once he finds out that his wife has been whoring herself out, but Sally was too busy planning on how to spend her ill-gotten gains to care.

Maria is another Weatherfield woman who always believes that the grass is greener under another man. Warren’s Weatherfield United team-mate Stuart managed to lure Maria into bed with a few cocktails and a tour of his riverside bachelor pad.

But unfortunately for Maria, she was substituted by Stuart without even having played the first half.

It turns out that Stuart has a girlfriend – a girlfriend who knows all about him playing away from home and thinks it comes with the territory of being a footballer’s girlfriend.

“Is this her?” she asked when Maria had barged her way back into Stuart’s flat, “I don’t think much of your taste, Stuart love.”

Maria ran back to the safety Tyrone’s big monkey arms and confessed all. Instead of giving her a few choice words and kicking her out the door, the mong’s only gone and proposed to her. And Maria, realising that she’s never going to find a doormat as effective as Tyrone, said yes.

This has raised several eyebrows on the Street and even Jack has tried to talk him out of it. “Maria’s like a racing pigeon,” Tyrone told Jack, “if I try and hold onto her too tight she’ll die, but if I give her freedom she’ll always come back,” he waxed lyrically.

Conveniently forgetting that pigeons are really nothing more than rats with wings.

And on the subject of rats, King Rat, Charlie is determined to take over Dirty Den’s crown as most hated soap character.

When he walked into the sitting room of The Rovers to find Sunita and Shelly conducting a taste test on some new Indian snacks Dev was thinking of selling in his shop, Charlie went mental.

“Stop feedin’ my girlfriend,” screamed Charlie. “Just ‘cos you’ve got no meat on yer bones, you can’t bare the fact that Shelly’s finally getting’ herself into shape.”

He then stormed off to The Flying Horse where Liz is now working. “Shelly come to her senses then has she?” asked Liz. “She’ll come running,” smirked Charlie. “They always do.”

And sure enough, less than two pints later, Shelly came storming into the pub. “And what was that all about?” she stormed.

“Let me explain,” said Charlie, in a very subdued manner. He then went on to make up a story about his brother who was turned into a junkie by his best mate. “And when I saw Sunita pushing food on you, it brought it all back,” he sobbed through crocodile tears.

Shelly, being the dumb, dumb blonde that she is, fell for it. “Oh Charlie, I’m so sorry,” she wailed – which seems to be the only sentence that comes out of her mouth these days. “But snacks and drugs aren’t the same thing.”

As Pete Docherty could certainly testify.’

Posted: 3rd, February 2005 | In: Strange But True Comment | TrackBack | Permalink