Anorak News | Gangsta Rap

Gangsta Rap

by | 11th, February 2005

‘IN their infinite wisdom, EastEnders producers have decided that what’s needed to save their failing soap isn’t better storylines or humour, but yet more two-dimensional gangsters-by-numbers characters.

”Aren’t you DI Beech?”

As if the new Moon brothers weren’t bad enough, we’re now expected to welcome walking stereotype Johnny Allen into Walford.

“’E’s trouble,” muttered Pauline to Alfie in The Vic, “I know ‘im from way back,” she continued – probably referring to when she used to watch The Bill in the 1980s.

It transpires that Johnny is also an old sparring partner of Fat Pat. “I’ve put all that behind me now,” Pat whispered to him. “I don’t do that any more.” The mind boggles.

Johnny has bought Angie’s Den and No.41 Albert Square. He wasn’t overly surprised to discover that the Moon family had been squatting in Pat’s old house and even told them that they could stay for the sake of mad old Nana Moon who, like a flea-infested parrot, can only gibber the same “Oh Alfie!” line of dialogue in every episode.

More Groundhog Day madness down Walford way with Billy and Little Mo getting together and splitting up again and again. And there’s another Slater girl up the duff after being abused by a dirty old pervert. Zoe really does take after her mother.

When Sam Butcher ordering the wrong sort of fish for the chip shop is made into a major storyline, you know a soap’s still in serious trouble.

Chrissie took pity on Sam when Ian sacked her over the great fish debacle and gave her a job in The Vic. “It’s the least we could do after the way you shafted her,” Chrissie hissed to Den. Is there no end to the man’s depravity?

Chrissie is determined to get her revenge on her errant husband after discovering that not only is he the father of Zoe’s unborn child but he’s set up a secret bank account to pay her money and he lied about putting the deeds to The Vic in her name.

Chrissie is playing her cards close to her chest, though, and has even suggested to Den that they renew their marriage vows on Valentine’s Day. “If you must,” sighed Den, which is being romantic for him.

Much is being made of Dirty Den’s imminent demise next week in a vain hope to drum up something resembling interest. But even this storyline is just a rehash of one before when he got shot.

Perhaps people would be more enthusiastic if they could guarantee that this time he really is going to stay dead.’

Posted: 11th, February 2005 | In: Tabloids Comment | TrackBack | Permalink