Anorak News | A Man’s Man

A Man’s Man

by | 23rd, March 2005

‘EVER since Chris Parker left EastEnders, people have been asking what happened to whats’isname’s little brother, little whats’isname?

Chris will box the ears of anyone who says he’s gay

Of course, what with EastEnders being the world’s worst soap opera, no-one has the faintest idea, and explanations vary from little whas’isname’s abduction by aliens to his running off with his gay lover.

Not that Chris has ever had a close encounter with aliens, male or otherwise. And not that he’s gay. Chris is as straight as they come.

We know this because Chris wants us to know it. And when a lapdancer claimed her relationship with Chris had been invented to end rumours that he’s gay, he attempted to kill himself.

Now recovered, the thoroughly un-gay Chris is working for Comic Relief, that last staging post of showbiz career on the skids.

In OK!, we hear that “he is burning with enthusiasm about life” and wants to tell everyone all about his trip to meet poverty-stricken people in Kenya.

And he’d also like to tell us how he’d jump at the chance to dress up as a woman. But not because he feels comfortable in women’s clothes or anything gay like that, but because he wants to be part of the hit TV show Little Britain, where men dress up as women for a laugh.

And he wants to say that when he was in Africa, the locals gave him a set of fertility beads, but he chucked his away “without thinking”.

“Then I got really scared,” says Chris. “Not that I’m trying to get anyone pregnant of anything.”

You see, his friend Fay has just got married and is pregnant – “that scared the sh*t out of me. I don’t want that for a long time,” says Chris.

But when love strikes it may with a blonde, a type Chris fancies. Although, he’s “always gone out with brunettes”. He would, however have to know her first, since he’d “never snog a stranger”. Let alone get one pregnant.

Not Chris – a man’s man…

Paul Sorene is the Anorak’

Posted: 23rd, March 2005 | In: Reviews Comment | TrackBack | Permalink