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Plus Ones

by | 31st, March 2005

‘WHEN we heard yesterday that Prince Charles had jetted off to Klosters for his stag do with 40 of his friends, we started to think.

”Where’s the ruddy valve?”

Taking up a pen and a blank piece of paper, we began to write the names of they who would tie the heir to the throne’s puckered naked body to a Swiss lamppost with only a begonia to protest his modesty.

Our rule was that they must be Charles’s friends – not staff, not his toothpaste squeezer, not his favourite houseplants, but friends.

And after an hour of toil, we came up with…no-one. But as we began to despair, we read in today’s Mirror that the stag do is down to 30 in number.

Phew! This should make the task in hand of working out who Charles’s friends are far simpler. And, indeed, we hear that a certain Charles Palmer-Tomkinson is along for the ride. So that’s one.

And so is Charles’s daughter Tara, her sister Santa and her husband Simon Sebag-Montefiore. That’s four.

The Mirror also spots Prince Harry (funf) and his mate Guy Pelly (six), who the paper reminds readers was once wrongly accused of supplying the would-be ginger Fuhrer with cannabis.

And that’s it. Even with a son, a son-in-law, two daughters and a Guy, the count is only up to six. Even when we include the star of the show, the number is but a lowly seven.

But before we consider the ludicrous idea that Charles has very few friends and that over twenty wooden tops and bodyguards have stepped in to make up the numbers, the Express spots two more notables.

One is another relative, Prince William, while the other is Kate Middleton, William’s girlfriend.

Overlooking the rights and wrongs of taking your girlfriend on a stag do, the paper takes one glance at William’s “young love” and announces on its front page: “Queen Kate.”

“William could not hide the depth of his feelings as he gazed into her eyes on the romantic Swiss ski slopes,” oozes the Express.

Indeed, the Mail agrees and says that “Wills only has eyes for Kate”, the daughter of Michael and Carole, who run a party accessories business from their Berkshire home, don’t yer know.

But, surprisingly, Queen Kate’s mum and dad aren’t in the stag party, which sticks at just nine in number. Or 30, if you include a few skis, strippers and poles…

Paul Sorene is the Anorak’

Posted: 31st, March 2005 | In: Tabloids Comment | TrackBack | Permalink