Anorak News | Water Board

Water Board

by | 21st, April 2005

‘FRED’S used to making money out of crap (he sells meat pies), but this time he’s surpassed himself by trying to pass off sewerage as fresh spring water. Fred thinks that he’s discovered Weatherfield’s mythical Healing Well under Audrey’s back garden, and he’s seeing pound signs flashing in front of him.

Passenger on board

Fred’s so convinced that he’s about to become a millionaire that he’s even put the Rovers up for sale in a bid to raise the funds to start his own bottling plant. Poor Fred’s about to have his dreams shattered yet again though when it’s discovered that his discovery is an underground sewage leak rather than Weatherfield’s answer to Lourdes.

Someone else about to have their hopes of wealth and celebrity dashed is Candice, a girl who makes Coleen McLoughlin look like an intellectual giant. Candice has decided that she needs to become ‘famous’ so that her footballing boyfriend Warren won’t leave her. “Well what can you do, luv?” Audrey asked her hairdressing assistant. Candice looked confused: “Wot do yer mean, what can I do? I just wanna be famous.” Well it’s worked for Abi Titmus and Jade Goody, among others.

Candice has decided to try her luck at becoming a weathergirl. “It worked for Ulrika didn’t it?” she told her stunned boyfriend. Well, if your ambition is to have three children by three different men, then she couldn’t have picked a better role model.

Candice would be better off taking some tips from Tracy Barlow about getting what you want. After two years of borderline stalking, she finally landed her prize: a night of passion with balding, ex-con Steve McDonald. A fact that her grandmother Blanche was quick to point out. “Two years and he’s taken yer to bed twice. Never out dancing or to the pictures. Hardly the romance of the century is it?” she scoffed.

Tracy has turned to Steve for ‘comfort’ after Ray’s funeral. Steve had offered her a “glass of wine” which we all know in Soap Speak is the equvilent of saying: “brace yerself luv, you’ve pulled.”

The course of Soap Love never did run smooth, though, and only minutes after Tracy had pulled her pants on from the night before, the rot had set in. Tracy thought Steve stood her up for a drink in The Rovers and so made a point of kissing Nathan in front of everyone; Steve retaliated by taking Kelly’s telephone number. Of course this can only mean that they’ll be tripping down the aisle in a matter of months.

But there’ll be no wedding bells for Martin as his plans to marry Katy Harris are shattered by the fact that she’s about to die. Katy hovers between life and death in Weatherfield General after she left a note confessing to the killing of her father and then tried to commit suicide.

Although after ten years of marriage to Gail, getting wed to a corpse is something Martin’s probably used to.’

Posted: 21st, April 2005 | In: Strange But True Comment | TrackBack | Permalink