Anorak News | Di Another Way

Di Another Way

by | 25th, May 2005

‘NEWSPAPERS hold phone polls for the same reason that Saddam Hussein used to hold the occasional election – not to provide an objective measure of public opinion, but to see how close to 100% of the vote they could get.

”Let us down and I’ll chop your ruddy head right orf”

That is why the questions are always more loaded than a 21-year-old George W Bush at a frat party.

Unlike Saddam, however, the papers never quite get the result they want – there’s always a few readers who misunderstand the question, dial the wrong number or are just plain bloody-minded.

And it only takes a few. The reason why most papers only publish the result in percentages is because it would be too embarrassing to admit that only a handful of people actually bothered to phone in.

So today we have the Express splashing the sensational headline: “94% OF YOU BELIEVE DIANA WAS MURDERED.”

In case that has not taken up enough space on the cover, the paper cracks open the emergency file marked “SLOW NEWS DAY” and illustrates the data with a shot of Diana’s svelte figure, today enshrined in an A-symmetrical blue dress.

One page on, and the Express’s fearless readers, and the six per cent of them who still think the moon is made of cream cheese, are told: “Why so many think Diana was murdered.”

It’s because the publication of the Scotland Yard report into Diana’s death, codenamed Operation Paget, has been delayed.

Why so, you ask. Because “detectives cannot rule out conspiracy theories that Diana was assassinated”.

To the Express, this delay “reflects the seriousness and professionalism” of the officers working on the case, “knowing that millions of people in Britain from all walks of life now believe she was the victim of the Establishment”.

Excuse us? We know the Express is “The World’s Greatest Newspaper” (that unquestionable truth appears on the front page), but are we to believe that millions of us voted in this phone poll?

Even allowing for repeat callers, this figure is incredibly high.

But the important thing is that their readers have spoken…and their voice will be listened to.

Hell truly hath no fury like a tabloid scorned – and woe betide the report’s authors if a verdict of death by murder is not returned…’

Posted: 25th, May 2005 | In: Tabloids Comment | TrackBack | Permalink