Mad For It

‘TO a rousing chorus of “I’m Mad Me”, the thirteen contestants in this year’s Big Brother TV show parade their near-naked talent before the world.

X and Y

But such is their weight of number and crushing uniformity of expression (mouth, legs and eyes all wide open), that it’s hard to know who’s who.

But helping us decide what to make of each gaggle of wannabes are OK!’s resident professional Big Brother contestants Michelle and Stuart.

Some of you will remember this pair from last year’s show, when wearing a head band proved no barrier to Stuart’s rise to celebritydom, and Michelle turned the word chicken into a verb.

This week OK! has asked the pair to cast their eyes over the new housemates and deliver to us their telling verdict on each of them.

First up is Anthony Hutton. “I totally feel like I’ve met him,” says Michelle, echoing the thoughts of millions of us who have seen countless mooning Geordies appear on reality TV shows.

Stuart thinks Craig Coates has a splendid pair of “man-boobs”. He’s one of Stu’s favourites.

And on they go, taking us through Mikosi (Michelle: “I think she may be lying about being a virgin”), Sam (Michelle: “How do you wear out a vibrator”) and Michelle (Stuart: “She seems a bit thick”).

With that lot of hopeless cases despatched, OK! rewards Stuart and his Michelle for their hard graft with a photospread, in which they wear all manner of clothes and talk about their lives.

You will be interested to learn that Stuart is a student and has just taken his exams. He’s glad they are over. And he hopes to return to university for some more crazy studenting in September.

Meanwhile, Michelle has reached the apogee of her existence to date and has become a presenter on Television X – the Fantasy Channel.

Ensconced in the chair once sat in by Abi Titmuss, Michelle’s doing the links between shows – “Next up some tits, followed by some arse”.

“I’ve settled in,” says Michelle, “and I feel quite suited to the job.”

Doubtless, having her own tits and arse have greatly helped Michelle in her brilliant new career, and she gives us an idea of what they’ve taught her by showing them into in a revealing red dress, a pink bikini and a white bra top with cherries on it.

But enough of that, because Stu and Mich are keen to get on with their new job of being OK!’s resident BB experts.

“It will be really exciting,” says Michelle. “It’ll be great to share my opinions and hopefully we’ll be able to shed some insider’s knowledge on what’s really going on.”

And coming off. Eh, Michelle…’

Posted: 3rd, June 2005 | In: Reviews Comment | TrackBack | Permalink