Anorak News | Graphic Sex

Graphic Sex

by | 10th, June 2005

‘SOME time ago, we offered the Newspaper Society a Venn diagram entitled “Mapping Nudity”.

Age shall not dress her

It showed a series of concentric circles, intended to guide publishers to the acceptability of various sexual acts, with ”kiss” and “gentle frot” located on the outside, and at the core “shag”, “bestiality” and “anything with Anthea Turner”.

The document has yet to become newspaper policy, but the Sun minds us of it as it shows pictures of “luscious” Liz Hurley on its Page 3.

News is that Liz is 40 today, or “phwoarty”. Many happy returns to her.

And to celebrate her latest achievement in what has been a stellar career, having already taken in her 20th, 30th and 39th birthdays, to name but a few, the Sun reprints some “memorable photos”.

No shots of Liz eating jelly with bits of fruit in it at her eighth birthday, nor of her attending a junior disco at her thirteenth, just pictures of adult Liz showing lots of leg and some cleavage.

It’s a terrific story. It’s got what newspaper types like to call “legs”. But if this is Page 3, imagine what else lies further within the Sun.

And so we flick through the pages to soon read: “RANDY PAUL IS BLOWN AWAY.”

The horny toad is one Paul Danan, who is pictured “beaming” after spending four minutes in the Celebrity Love Island ladies’ loo with Playboy mo-del Nikki Zierling.

“I’m not telling what happened,” says Paul, perhaps wisely saving his big story for when he gets out and someone will pay him for it, “but she really was kind to go that far.”

But while Paul gets his sympathy sex, and tells the world, via the Star, that “this is heavy sh*t”, that paper’s cover “promises a secret saucy strip” within.

Move over topless Danish “seafood lover” Malene on the Star’s Page 3, we’re on our way into the inner parts of the Star’s Ven diagram, a place where “WHO BARES WINS”.

There’s not one but two pairs of breasts, one pair each belonging to Big Brother’s Sam and Mikosi respectively. For added oomph , there are also shots of their buttocks.

Wow! If there’s this much nudity on page 11, imagine what the centre pages will show! And having reached them, we’re not disappointed. That is Wayne Rooney. That is Coleen McLoughlin. And those are her feet resting on his sun-shagged shoulders.

Now if we could just find the paper’s insert…’

Posted: 10th, June 2005 | In: Tabloids Comment | TrackBack | Permalink