Anorak News | The Abi Habit

The Abi Habit

by | 17th, June 2005

‘THE effect Abi Titmuss is having on the nation’s psyche is terrifyingly powerful.

The Trooping of the Knickers

Would the Queen have dared to wear brown in town had it not been for Abi, who has done so much to challenge accepted fashion styles and female etiquette? We think not.

It’s just a wonder Liz didn’t only wear her hat. It’s a shock she chose not to ape the nation’s heroine and step out on the Ascot turf in high heels and a thong.

But however hard she tries, the Queen will never be Abi Titmuss.

We fear Liz is too repressed, and will never allow herself to know the exotic pleasure of sharing a chocolate mouse with former footballer Lee Sharpe on a tropical island.

Until she can, Liz will never be considered a true celebrity. But she can learn. And the Star gives a lesson in what it takes to make it in the upper reaches of showbiz.

First you need an understanding mum. In an interview with the Sun, Abi’s mum, Sue Titmuss, says she is proud of her daughter and supports her at least 110%.

“I’m not upset with her for making the video,” says Sue of Abi’s famous sex tape. “Whatever consenting adults do in the privacy of their own home is fine as long as it doesn’t hurt anybody.”

Quite so. And since Abi began telling the readers of lads’ mags how to engage in pain-free anal sex, we imagine less people are getting hurt than ever.

But while we wonder how the much lamented Queen Mum would have reacted to footage of her Lilibet in a naked clinch with another woman, the Star tells us that if you want to be Abi, you have to cultivate a circle of cutting-edge mates.

Witness as the Duchess of Gloucester, aka former Atomic Kitten singer Liz McClaron, sinks her horsy teeth into a slab of chocolate on Celebrity Love Island and sighs: “It makes me want sex. Oh my God it is like sex.”

What this says about McClaron’s understating of sex is best left to the professionals and her Mars bar. But surely the Countess of Wessex can repeat after Jayne Middlemiss: “I want to snog 10 blokes. Actually forget that, give me one bloke and I’ll sh*g him.”

Sadly for Jayne, and for us, no bloke was offered up for human sacrifice, and she was left to be satiated by chocolate, and the site of Abi’s upturned, thong-clad backside.

While Abi talked of orgies and garden parties on the lawn at the palace…’

Posted: 17th, June 2005 | In: Tabloids Comment | TrackBack | Permalink