Anorak News | Death Wears A Bikini

Death Wears A Bikini

by | 20th, June 2005

‘WHEN the world has been put to rights, people discuss the weather.

‘I can see the pier’

In the Sun, weather offers the paper’s readers a chance to consider Nikkala and Danni’s “WARM FRONTS”.

These sensible girls are keeping cool in London’s 91-degree heat by taking off everything apart from their knickers and standing in a large puddle right up to their middles.

But not everyone can be blessed with Nikkala and Danni’s innate sun-sense, and the Express is worried about the rest of us who foolishly decide to keep our clothes on.

“THE KILLER HEATWAVE,” screams the paper. “Six drown as temperatures hit 92F; Flash floods wreak havoc in North.”

Alarmed readers are already creating pictures of elderly women literally melting as they sit neglected in some impoverished rest home.

See as a man falls to the ground and sinks into the molten tarmac. Gasp as a woman is eaten by scorpions, which have mistaken the sands at Walton-on-the-Naze for the Sahara.

But deprived of so much sensation, the Express instead puts on its black hat and tours the country looking for people diving into water to cool off and not coming up alive.

It’s too grim for words. While most of us enjoy the summer heat in safety, at the park and on the beach, the Express reminds us all that fun in the sun can kill. Death wears a bikini.

Having put a damper on the heat, the paper then turns to North Yorkshire, to look for victims of the torrential floods that have hit the region.

It tells us that at one stage last night “at least nine people were feared missing” in the village of Helmsley, a place highlighted in bold black for added impact.

Happily, the supposed missing were all “found” alive. But it doesn’t end there, and the paper sets out to find some more near disasters.

The Express says an elderly woman, who had suffered a suspected heart attack, was winched to safety.

Two people, who had tried to escape the rising waters by sitting atop a farm gate, were taken to hospital.

What happened to them is tomorrow’s news. In any case, we’ve had enough. We need to sit down and cool down. And if we can do it topless, so much the wiser…’

Posted: 20th, June 2005 | In: Tabloids Comment | TrackBack | Permalink