Anorak News | Giving Him Ten

Giving Him Ten

by | 4th, July 2005

‘PRINCESS Diana was spinning in her grave last week – and if Simone Simmons’s revelations are based on any truth, she may not have been doing it alone.

For in death, as in life, Diana occupies our thoughts, men’s beds and the front page of the Sun.

The paper had seen the latest book on the life and times of the late Princess and heard that she had had a fling with JFK Junior.

Like Diana, the scion of the Kennedy clan is now also no longer with us, him having gone upstairs to the fabled 6th floor of London’s Harvey Nichols department store.

Simmons was adamant that her story on Diana, the women who had confided in her, was as true as true could be.

But countering her claim was that rock-like Royal lackey-turned—D-list celebrity Paul Burrell.

Writing in the Mirror, Burrell gave it to us straight. “There was a time when people like Simone Simmons were hurled into the water, trussed up and weighed down with stones,” said Burrell by way of a history lesson.

Indeed, he is right. We’ve looked it up. And in other history books we’ve learnt of a time when a servant’s job was to be seen and not heard and a time when anyone so much as suspected of stealing was deported to Australia.

But we digress. And while Burrell gave us his inside take on just how awful Simmons is, how her “goodness has become rotten with the so-called revelation over JFK Jr”, the Sun squeezed the juicy bits of the story until the pips squeaked.

The Sun was reporting that Di ranked her lovers in the same way the red-top gives players scores after football matches and “Busty Beach Bum” contests. Diana gave John Jr a 10 out of 10. He was “the tops”. He was Di’s star man.

Kennedy topped Diana’s league table of lovers – the points system for which is complicated, but thought to be based on three points for a mutually satisfying score draw, two points for saying something nice about her hair and one point for every disparaging remark made about Charles.

As such, Hewitt scored a commendable but slightly disappointing 9 out of 10. Oliver Hoare held his own and the bronze medal position with an above average 6.

And in last place – although this is by no means a definitive list – was Charles, barely making it back to the stables on a pathetic and tired 1 point.

It was all so tatty, so tawdry, so tabloid. And we began to wonder what Diana would have made of it all were she alive today.

And, in all likelihood, we could have caught up with her at Live8. Surely Di would have rocked up to the big rock concert and given it all for poverty.

“Down with the monarchy,” she’d have screamed at Live8 and G8. “We want a revolution and we want it now! And we want it in a nice dress…please!”

Tony Blair was all for overthrowing the world order – well, he’s on his way out and every revolution needs a salesman.

And on Friday there was Tony cosying up with Bob Geldof in the Mail. The pair were the MTV generation – in Comfi-Slacks.

Sitting on an orange bench, showing off his Make Poverty History wristband, Tony spoke to some teens and fielded pre-recorded questions from Destiny’s Child and rap artiste Snoop, who asked him if it was President or Prime Minister Tony Blair.

We never got to hear Tony’s reply to that. Nor he and his Ugly Rumours play Hyde Park…

Paul Sorene is the Anorak’

Posted: 4th, July 2005 | In: Broadsheets Comment | TrackBack | Permalink