Anorak News | Football’s Striker

Football’s Striker

by | 1st, August 2005

‘CONGRATULATIONS to the pneumatic Keeley on winning the Sun’s Page 3 Idol competition.

Sheryl and Gazza in happier times

“Seven months ago I was a nobody,” says Keeley, 18, who’s now a somebody, with a body she likes to flash at snappers. “My life has been transformed by the Sun. People now recognise me in the street.”

How great it must be to have Sun readers who lap up Page 3 with their morning cuppas approach you and say “Phwoarr!” as you walk the streets of your native Kent.

But better than Keeley’s elevation to the ranks of eternally 24-year-old Zoe and busty Nikki is the news that normal service has been resumed. After weeks of bombs, mayhem and terror, we now can relax a little and enjoy Keeley, a girl who makes us all proud to be British.

And what of those front-page stories on this joyous day? Well, the Express must be exhausted after spending hours working out how the London bombs have affected house prices in the Midlands and takes a day off by saying: “DIANA WAS PREGNANT.”

That’s not the Sun’s Page 3 Idol contestant Dishy Diana from Dawlish, but our very own clean-living and chaste Princess Diana, who was, apparently, with child at the time of her death.

But the bigger story, bigger than the Mail’s lead on how 18-year-old Anthony Walker was murdered with an axe because he was black, is on the Sun’s cover. Thereon we learn: “GAZZA BEAT UP FAMILY.”

The amazing story is that not only do we still know who Gazza is – former England footballer Paul Gascoigne, of course – but that he once punched his step-son so hard the little lad puked.

For this revelation we have Mason’s sister Bianca to thank. “To the outside world, we were living a fairytale lifestyle,” says she. “But the reality was the living hell of emotional and physical abuse.”

And we read that Gazza, who infamously hit their mum Sheryl, also picked on the boy, then aged seven, now 15.

If true, this is an awful and depressing tale. And it would not have come to light had Gazza got his way and had the story banned. “He is doing everything in his power to stop me speaking out,” says Bianca.

Although Gazza’s waning powers are clearly not up to the job, and we can see blondish Bianca and hear her words. And if you miss this big story, don’t worry because this is: “STORY GASCOIGNE TRIED TO BAN DAY 1.”

How many more days we have to endure this harrowing tale for is not told. But, sadly, the only things that can stop it or at least push it back from the front page are more bombs, more horror or pictures of Keeley in a burka…’

Posted: 1st, August 2005 | In: Tabloids Comment | TrackBack | Permalink