The Fallen Madonna

‘“MADONNA HORSE FALL HORROR,” yells the front page of the Mirror. And at once we fear the worse.

Time for Madonna to move on?

Ever since the singer took up with Englishman Guy Ritchie, he of the Mockney movies, and took to English life like a slice of lemon to a gin and tonic, we’ve been waiting for disaster to strike.

Madonna’s greatest skill has always being knowing when the time is right to adopt a new look – she was a virgin, she was a vamp, she was a wholesome God-fearing girl.

None of her looks rang true, but she has been wonderfully able to change each before her public really noticed that punks never really wear legwarmers and Vogue dancing is OK if you’re chair-bound or drunk but is really just a variant on the old sit-down jive.

So when Madonna became the demure English gel, we waited. We began to look for signs when she would stop finishing her words properly.

We wondered when she’d start wearing brown in town. And we grabbed her children’s books and checked for hints of sexual awakenings, when The English Roses, the stars of her book set in London, would get some interesting piercings and unsuitable boyfriends.

But we never believed Madonna’s fall would be so spectacular. So, though we are not surprised, we are shocked to read that she is the victim of a horse horror.

But the singer is alright – or “righty-oh”, as she would say – and is not a death’s door, but resting up with three cracked ribs, a fractured collar bone and a broken hand after her horse threw her.

For anyone not au fait with body parts, or for whom the singer’s physique begins and ends with her conical bras, the Mirror produces a helpful graphic.

Over a picture of a tweed-clad Madonna sitting on a horse and leaning over to hug Guy’s shoulders, the paper produces arrows to show where Madonna’s injuries are.

For the record, the Madonna collar bone is near her tweed collar, the ribs are in her torso and her “HAND BROKEN” is not between her eyes but at the end of a sleeve.

The accident, which the Mail tells us occurred at the entertainer’s 1,200-acre country home in Wiltshire, has clearly left her battered and bruised – something the Mail wants to emphasise as it employs Leela Biant, an orthopaedic surgeon, to say that though it’s unlikely the singer will need surgery, she will not be able to dance for a while.

More vital information in Madonna’s hour of need arrives on the Sun’s front cover (“MADONNA WITH ZE BIG BRUISES”), in which the “horrific fall” is said to have left the star “visibly shaken”.

And she’s not the only one. We are all concerned for her well being, and wish her a speedy recovery. We also offer the advice that the best thing to do when you fall off a horse is to get back in the saddle.

And if she decides to strap said saddle to her man’s back and publish photos of her endeavours in a new book, we’d expect nothing less…’

Posted: 17th, August 2005 | In: Tabloids Comment | TrackBack | Permalink