Anorak News | Big Futures

Big Futures

by | 24th, August 2005

‘LAST week Michelle Heaton tried on Kerry Katona’s shoes, breasts and sticky-out-tongue for size and was found wanting.

Keep up to date with Mish and Stu with their live web cam

If Heaton is to ever prize the crown of OK! celebrity diarist from Katona’s fingers, she will have to carve out her own niche, find her own way and prove that she can be every bit as daringly vacuous as the Warrington warrior.

First up and things are looking good. Michelle has been dipped in Robert Kilroy Silk’s bath water and looking a vision in orange skin has had her breasts plumped up and poured into a wedding dress.

Oh no, she’s not getting married. But she knows that to be like Katona, a ring on her finger is de rigueur. So she’s trying on wedding dresses, just in case.

And she‘s got a man on stand by. As we revealed last week, he’s called Andy Scott Lee, a failed reality TV contestant. Michelle says she “realised quickly there was something really special about him.”

Sadly, the judges of Pop Idol thought otherwise, and now Andy, who had a previous stab at being special with his old band 3SL, is now best known as Michelle’s groom-in-waiting.

But what will it be like being married, Michelle, living with the same man until the day your agent stops returning your calls and you go to that big end of the pier in the sky? “Well,” says Michelle, “I’ve gone without other men for three and a half years so I’m sure I can last.”

But what about a last hurrah? If you are to be the new Kerry, surely your man will have to cheat on you with a lapdancer on his stag night. So, will there be a final fling to be flung?

“No, because I’d kill him if he did,” says Michelle. “The only agreement we have is that if Paul Walker offered it to me on a plate I could and if Angelina Jolie was there for Andy he could!”

Since there is every possibility of either or both of those things happening – and of Michelle putting a cocktail stick in Walker’s plated-up meat – we have every confidence that she can rise to the challenge.

To round things off, Michelle wants a fairy-tale wedding. So a couple of ugly sisters and a girl without hands have been pre-booked to avoid disappointment. Which just leaves us to find someone to dress up as a goose – which, judging by dress No. 4, will be Michelle…

A GOODBYE and hearty thanks to Michelle Bass and Stuart Wilson, who have done so much to fill what would have been blank page in OK!.

Since the pair are no longer an item, and Big Brother has finished for another season, we realise that it’s unlikely we’ll see them together again.

So it seems right to take a special note of what they have to say by way to a valedictory swansong. (For the occasion, Michelle has pulled on a cowboy hat and Stuart is holding a guitar.)

“I was really pleased Anthony won,” says Michelle. Although she was unhappy at how much he changed from the perky, randy little so-and-so we’d seen in the house to the perky, randy little so-and-so who’d just been given £50,000 and cheered on by loads of groupies in a field in Elstree.

She also thinks that though Anthony got her vote, “he’s got sticky-out ears and a funny nose”.

Stuart thinks “justice was done”. “It’s like watching a story and it was a satisfying end to the story,” says he.

Which is good place to bring to an end this tale. So let’s say goodbye to Stuart and so long to Michelle. See you around…on whatever cable shopping channel that may be…’

Posted: 24th, August 2005 | In: Reviews Comment | TrackBack | Permalink