Anorak News | Beauty & The Beasts

Beauty & The Beasts

by | 15th, September 2005

‘ONCE upon a time, in a far away land just off the M4 motorway in Berkshire there was a wedding. No, best make that a fairy-tale wedding.

The dress

All the best people in the kingdom came. There was Princess Kerry of the Sticky-out-Tongue Katonas, her fellow bridesmaid Princess Sarah of the Girls Alouds and, as ever, Princess Michelle Heaton, without whom no photo in OK! is complete.

And there was a Prince. His name was Peter, and he hailed from a land Down Under, where dragons breathe fire and men called Shane walk on their hands.

Long ago he had climbed into the sleeping Princess Jordan’s hammock and awoken her with a gentle prod from his acorn. Now after a courtship played out before the watching world, the Prince and his Princess were to be married.

It was a wonderful day, as the sun climbed high into the milky grey skies above Highclere Castle.

Pete, dressed head to toe in white and looking like a chunk of wedding-cake icing with hairs in it was ready and waiting for his love to enter the castle.

She would soon come with an entrance that had “all the pomp of a Royal princess”, naturally. “Six Hungarian grey horses – escorted by liverymen – pulled the bride along in a glass Cinderella carriage, the insides bedecked in baby pink satin-lined seats and pink fur carpet.

Regal and elegant, the carriage, strewn with lilies, feathers and crystals, Princess Jordan edged ever closer to her date with destiny.

As she approached the castle, the princess peeked through the carriage curtains and gave a serene “Woo-hoo!” to one and all before the horses sped up and whisked her into a secret entrance.

Now all was ready. All that remained was for Princess Jordan to make her grand entrance. The choir erupted into a rendition of Bob Marley’s One Love – People Get Ready “and the emotion was palpable”.

First came the bridesmaids. All seven of them. And a flowergirl. Each held a posy of flowers in Candy Bianca blush pink.

And then it was the turn of the Princess bride. She “looked more stunning than any woman has a right to in a pink, sparkling gown, three metres wide with seven-meter long train!”

It’s hard to take that image in, but try to imagine a large dollop of pink blancmange sitting in a bowl that’s been warmed so that it’s started to run around the base and over the sides. Then toss over it a few packets of shiny cake decorations, stick on a couple of oversized tinned nectarines and cover the whole lot with a net.

Et Voila!’

Posted: 15th, September 2005 | In: Reviews Comment | TrackBack | Permalink