Cherie Oh Yes

‘“HOW Tony Blair runs the country,” says the Star on its front page. And before we can say, “With his hands pressed firmly together and his eyes tightly shut”, the paper let’s us know that he does it with “toenails, vibrating pants & a white witch”.

‘Hummmmm’

Big news indeed, especially to those among you who thought Blair’s domestic policies were dictated by a marketing campaign and his foreign agenda controlled by George Bush.

Not that Tony really ever thinks for himself, not if we believe the writings of author Paul Scott, whose new book, Tony And Cherie – A Special Relationship, tells us what goes on between the leader and she who would be our First Lady.

A No. 10 spokesman might well tell the Star that the book is “a mixture of recycled gossip and sheer fantasy”, but that’s never stopped the Star reporting on such news before.

And, in any case, the Mail says the book has been published by none other than Sidgwick & Jackson, an imprint of PanMacmillian, and has handled such weighty tomes as John Sergeant’s study of Margaret Thatcher, Maggie: Her Final Legacy, and James Naughtie’s examination of Blair’s relationship with the US, The Accidental American.

(A quick look at the firm’s website also shows that it’s current in-print includes Fabulous in a Fortnight, “Monica Grenfell’s amazing plan will have you looking and feeling gorgeous in only two weeks!”, and Hammer of the Gods, “A fierce and fearless story about a band that remain a legend of musical, sexual and mystical power – Led Zepplin”.)

So with the book’s credibility being questioned – championed in the Mail and Star, poo-pooed by No. 10 – what about the Star’s front-page claims?

Let’s deal with them in turn, and begin with the white witch. And the shock of all shocks is that she’s not called Cherie. Indeed, there is no white witch, simply Cherie’s adoption of the techniques of such a creature.

The Mail says that before important meetings, Cherie uses a practice from white witchcraft known as ‘casting a circle’ to create ‘sacred space’. We are not told what this entails, perhaps for fear of causing mass panic, only that Cherie does it.

And since we’re on the subject of The Juggler, what of those vibrating pants? As the Star says, the book claims Cherie wears such items, not because Carole Caplin told her to or for some perverted sexual pleasure, although that may well be a happy side-effect, but to keep her thighs in trim.

And that’s when she’s not got her thighs wrapped around Tony. Readers with weak stomachs look away now as the Star tells us how a guru told Cherie “sex is therapy” and instructed Tony to give his wife “intimate body massages” every day.

Anyone still reading can now learn about those toenails, which along with Tony’s body hair are, apparently, gathered up by Cherie and sent to “guru” Jack Temple. He then sends them to a cloning farm where the DNA is extracted to create an endless supply of Tonys, albeit ones covered in a fine ginger pelt and with massive hooked toenails.

That revelation is perhaps best saved for this book’s sequel, because for now Scott just says Tony’s off-cuts are sent to one Jack Temple who dangles a pendulum over them. The Mail says this can detect poisons and blockages.

But most intriguingly of all is news that Tony goes about with a grey velvet pouch in his breast pocket, containing a strip of red ribbon and a fragment of rolled-up paper. “No meeting can be held, no decision made without them resting next to his heart,” says Scott.

A heart which Cherie keeps in a box under the couple’s bed…’

Posted: 20th, September 2005 | In: Tabloids Comment | TrackBack | Permalink