Anorak News | Toxic Shock

Toxic Shock

by | 22nd, September 2005

‘AFTER the Caesarean comes the important business of getting your figure back in shape. But what shape will new mum Britney Spears opt for?

‘Full-fat of semi-skimmed, sir?’

It seems that Britney is not all she seems. The girl who titillated us with the is she-isn’t she a virgin caper is reported by the Enquirer to have had a boob job when she was a teenager.

Now, we know this is no big news to anyone who can spot a pair of gravity-defying apples at a hundred paces, but we are shocked. The source says Britney had the boob job when she was just 17 – a time when she was wearing her school uniform and begging her baby to hit her one more time. Can it be true?

Surely fake breasts are not yet part of the uniform at even the most progressive Hollywood high school.

But it’s all too true, we fear. And because of her implants, the once sweet, innocent, virginal Britney is worried that she may not be able to breast-feed her son, the one they call Preston Michael Spears Federline.

Dr Rika Schwartz tells the Enquirer that being able to breast-feed is dependent on what type of surgery Britney has had. In case any budding Britney’s are looking in and looking to pop along to Messers Nip ‘n’ Tuck at break time, the doctor says, “If there is not enough tissue connected to the nipple for milk ducts, then breast-feeding will be impossible.” You have been warned.

Sure, bottle-feeding is a viable option. But Britney wants to use the milk direct from the source. And, in any case, one advantage of breast-feeding is that it helps women “burn off” the weight gained during pregnancy.

Without the sucking diet, the concern is that Britney will take longer than otherwise to shed the 40 pounds she piled on during her “nine-month rollercoaster ride”.

But there is hope. And it comes in a section called “BRITNEY’S DIET”.

Many would suppose that the Spears way to health and vitality would involve lots of sex, or loads a shagging as the tabloid press might put it. That it might. As it might include lots of other more wholesome, dare we say virginal forms of dieting. And take in the so-called South Beach diet, which the Enquirer calls “trendy”.

But no worry, because Britney may well start fighting the hunger pangs brought on by avoiding carbs for two weeks with some appetite-curbing cigarettes.

For those who don’t know what a packet of cigarettes looks like, or have been hypnotised to forget, the Enquirer produces a graphic. Fags come in a packet, or carton, if you prefer.

And though infamously hazardous to health, and harmful to chests, both inflated and flat, they can help you get the weight down…’

Posted: 22nd, September 2005 | In: Reviews Comment | TrackBack | Permalink