Anorak News | I Don’t

I Don’t

by | 23rd, September 2005

‘SHELLEY Unwin and Jay-Lo have more than enormous arses in common – between the two of them, they’re keeping the wedding dress industry afloat.

Do you, Shelley, take Charlie to keep you in a plot that goes nowhere so long as you both shall live?

Despite her disasterous first marriage to Peter Baldwin (who forgot to mention that he was already married at the time he said “I do”), Shelley was determined to give marriage another go. This time round she’d avoid a bigamist and settle on a cheating, abusive, bully.

Charlie was so determined to be the only person in Shelley’s life that he proposed to her not because he wanted to marry her but so that he could control her. He even banned her from seeing her therapist Zack after she started to enjoy spending time with him. “I know Zack sleeps with his patients,” Charlie lied. If only that were true for Shelley’s sake.

The night before her wedding to Charlie, the Rovers ladies decided to throw an impromptu hen party for Shelley. “Don’t do it Shelly luv,” sobbed her mum, “he’s a monster.” Violet proceeded to tell Shelley about the time she nearly slept with him and Liz waded in with tales of how Charlie had tried to lure her into bed. “Yer all just jealous,” ranted Shelly, “’cos I’m happy and yer not.”

Meanwhile, across town, the groom-to-be was getting stuck into a blonde on his stag night. “It’s me farewell treat,” he told a disgusted Jason. “Tomorrow I start me life sentence.”

The day of the wedding double episode special dawned and Weatherfield residents and viewers alike were all betting on if the marriage was actually going to happen. Shelley’s mother had dressed in black, and not a single person had turned up to see Shelley off. “Are yer sure you wanna go through with this, luv?” whispered Fred who’d volunteered to give her away when no one else would. “I’ve got to,” replied Shelley, looking like an overfed lamb to the slaughter.

In a break from tradition, the bride made it to the church before the groom after Charlie slept in with his one night stand. “I wasn’t sure you were gonna turn up,” hissed Shelley to Charlie, as he smugly took his place next to her in front of the vicar. Charlie smirk was wiped off his face though when Shelley turned to him and said: “Well now yer here, I’m off. I’m not going to marry yer,” and swept majestically out of the church in front of her cheering mum and friends.

Hopefully this will be the end of a very tedious storyline, and Shelley is going to be allowed to stop playing the loony in the attic and that Charlie is going to slink off to sort out his Panto contract in time for Christmas.

Elsewhere on The Street, Norris’s ex-wife Angela made a welcome cameo re-appearance as she tried to persuade the gossip to become husband number seven. “Come along now, Norris, stop wasting your time in this back street stationers, I’ve got plenty of jobs you can be doing for me,” she beckoned. Angela owns one of the North’s largest stationary firms and Norris’s little eyes lit up at the thought of becoming heir to acres of spiral bound notebooks.

He finally decided not to take his thirty pieces of silver and is staying put in the Kabin after Rita offered him a “junior partnership.”

“I think we should re-name the Kabin after me,” twittered Norris, “How about the Cole hole,” muttered the long-suffering Rita.’

Posted: 23rd, September 2005 | In: Strange But True Comment | TrackBack | Permalink