Tutu Much

‘UNTIL the video of the wedding is released, and not forgetting the subsequent director’s cut and surgeon’s off-cuts, we will have only stills and words to help us imagine what the dancing was like at the Jordan–Andre party.

‘With a little bit of this and and insania bit of that and flap your arms…’

OK! should have inserted a dance steps mat inside each copy of the magazine. Like a game of musical Twister, readers would have been invited to get into groups of three – one playing Peter, two playing Jordan – and keep step with the first dance.

But no, all we get is a shot of Jordan up as close as she’s able to get to Peter, her arms around his neck, his arms around her waist.

Supposedly a romantic soft sway shuffle, the dance looks to all the world like Peter is being used as a prop.

With her inflated breasts pulling her upwards and her heavy dress weighing her downwards, Jordan appears rooted to the spot. Any sudden body popping from Peter and his new wife may just snap in two.

Time then for her to change into a “pretty pink tutu and matching platform trainers”.

While we wonder how platform trainers could ever match a pink tutu, we note how Sarah Harding from Girls Aloud is dancing with both Jordan and Peter’s families.

And here’s Big Brother’s Orlaith to tell us that she’s never been to anything quite as “amazing” as this. And if it isn’t our old pal Vanessa Feltz dancing with partner Dennis Duhany all night long.

Feltz catches her breath and says how “No one could ever say this was tacky”. No one? Oh, come on. Surely someone could say it.

And just as we’re about to give it our best shot and say how tacky it all is, we spot Kerry Katona doing a “dirty dance” with Paul Gascoigne.

And our words seem unnecessary…’

Posted: 26th, September 2005 | In: Reviews Comment | TrackBack | Permalink