Anorak News | Baby Talk

Baby Talk

by | 27th, September 2005

‘“OI! Wot yer looking at? Whatsamatter, ain’t yer seen a baybee before or summit?!”

‘Did you spill my milk?!’

Thanks to our universal baby translator we can understand just what baby really means by those gurgles and mewls.

Two gurgles and a smile means “I hate you!” A gurgle, a smile and a little burp translates as: “You ruined my life. I never asked to be born. You witch! Dad was right to leave you!” Three gurgles, a mewl and a soft, lilting laugh do not bear the scrutiny and are too lewd for these refined pages.

And we’re not the only ones who know what’s best for baby. As the Express leads: “HOSPITAL BAN ON COO-ING AT BABIES.” Might it just be that those coos are, in the idiom of the crib, rude and offensive?

As the Express explains, the maternity unit at Calderdale Royal Hospital in Halifax, West Yorkshire, has banned adults from cooing at babies. There’s even a display of a dolly in a cot with the message: “What makes you think I want to be looked at?”

And other messages have been handed to visitors. “Only two visitors per cot,” says one. “Respect my Baby,” demands the title of another. It goes on to say: “I am small and precious so treat me with privacy and respect. My parents ask you to treat my personal space with consideration. I deserve to be left undisturbed and protected against unwanted public view…”

Backing off, so as not to crowd little Armani and stunt her development, the Sun has more news of the directive that claims to be following Department of Health guidelines on patients’ privacy.

As Debbie Lawson, neo-natal manager at the Special Care baby unit, the woman who introduced this cutting-edge plan, explains: “Cooing should be a thing of the past because these are little people with the same rights as you and me.”

Quite so. If they want some space, let them have it. Babies are people too.

If they want to smoke, let them. If they want to sit up drinking all night, it’s only right and just they enjoy the same rights as the rest of us. Anything less is just sooo unfair…’

Posted: 27th, September 2005 | In: Tabloids Comment | TrackBack | Permalink