Anorak News | The Contestants

The Contestants

by | 5th, October 2005

‘CELEBRITY Shoplifting is sure to be a big hit. And TV executives shouldn’t worry if the great and good are less than eager to join in the fun – not when there are so many celebrity jailbirds up for the challenge.

But is it loaded?

The Mail spots one celebrity lag, Alfred Riley. As the Mail reports, the 71-year-old retired vicar has just been released from Woodhill Prison, where he’s served a 28-day sentence for non-payment of his council tax.

Riley refused to pay the 8.5 per cent increase on the onerous tax and instead offered 2.5 per cent extra to cover inflation. This left his bill £64 in arrears.

Punished but unbowed, Riley fully intends to keep on fighting for his cause. “Now I am out the campaign for justice goes on,” says he. “I, and thousands like me, will not go away until this illegal tax is reformed.”

So much for contestant number one. What of numbers two and three?

The Sun cast around the cells and spots “CEREAL KILLER” Rose West.

The paper says that the murderess has landed a job as a dinner lady in “Britain’s plushest prison”, Bronzefield, a privately-run jail in Middlesex.

West might well be a devil incarnate, but the Sun still thinks she’s worth a pun and even mocks her up in full dinner lady garb. It’s all about as tasteful as the slops she dishes out at a wage of £7.50 a week.

And completing the line-up is Charles Bronson – “the Most Dangerous Man in Britain”. (Even more dangerous than terrorists, Muslim fanatics and Brazilian electricians.)

Bronson has been brushing up his celebrity CV by painting. Some of his works feature in the Sun, and can be yours, should you choose to buy or steal them from art dealer James Treacle.

“This is a man who handled a sawn off shotgun before a paintbrush and his talent is remarkable,” gushes Treacle – who perhaps mindful of how Bronson once held art lecturer Phil Daniels hostage in Hull prison after the teacher criticised his sketches, lavishes praise on the drawings.

And so we have our contestants. Now to the tricky business of getting them into Asda without arousing suspicion…’

Posted: 5th, October 2005 | In: Tabloids Comment | TrackBack | Permalink