Anorak News | Celebrity Excreta

Celebrity Excreta

by | 17th, October 2005

‘“WELCOME to Celebrity Ouija Board, with your host Anthea Turner.

Sweating on her comeback

Tonight we will be attempting to contact a dead celebrity. Gathered around the table are Kerry Katona, Laurence Llewellyn-Bowen, Leslie Grantham, Melinda Messenger and the man who sold Jade Goody her first kebab.

Let us join together our hands. Calling Bruno Books. Can you hear us the spirit of Nick Owen. Come in Michael Barrymore. Is anybody there?”

The glass begins to move. The letters are spelt out: “C.A.L.L.M.Y.A.G.E.N.T.”

Celebs will do anything for fame; and it can’t be too long before one of their number dies and has written on their headstone for all eternity, or until the BBC stops broadcasting repeats of Only Fools And Horses: “Resting. Available for pantos, supermarket openings and reality TV shows. Will eat bugs – especially worms.”

“How low can you go?” is the question. And, by coincidence, that’s what Jordan asked when she was sat inside her hideous pink pumpkin on her merry way to marry a sweaty and terrified looking Peter Andre.

This was Jordan and Peter’s Marriage & Mayhem, the ITV2 show that promised to go behind the scenes at “the biggest wedding of the century”; the wedding of “Britain’s most phogrpahed people”.

Jordan and Pete are also Britain’s most quotable people, particularly Jordan, who treated us to the following exchange with the aforesaid Kerry Katona.

We saw Jordan sitting in her bride’s boudoir being the quintessential fairy-tale Princess. She turned to camera and told us she was “shitting meself”.

Katona, empathising: “I know. I’m shitting meself for yer.”

Katona then told us she was no (number) one trick pony and was so excited at being a bridesmaid, she thought “I’m gonna pee”.

Add to this Peter’s copious amounts of sweat, as he stood before his friends, family and the TV cameras dressed up like a small piece of icing that had chipped off the constipated wedding cake and you had all the celebrity excreta you could toss a toilet roll at.

Now if they can keep doing it while they’re dead, we’ve got ourselves a new show…’

Posted: 17th, October 2005 | In: Celebrities Comment | TrackBack | Permalink